It's fucking 'copywriters'! They're useless. Totally, utterly and completely useless.
The agency boys (and especially their pet writer, who's called Felix or Conrad or something, and mopes about wearing specs and T-shirts with things like 'I'm anti-you' on them) claim that there's nothing better than a copywriter for making ads intelligent, or witty, or...I dunno...deep or whatever.
Here's what I've learned: all they do is write words. AND I CAN DO THAT MYSELF! Look! I'm doing it now!
I'll give you an example. Here's the copy from one of the Cleanavia 3000's launch ads:
We designed the Cleanavia to be more than a washing machine. We designed it to be a member of the family. One that can't help joining in and helping out. One that will work as hard as you do to keep everyone looking great. But unlike the other members of your family, this one has a 1,500 RPM spin cycle, a unique silks program and a cycle for dry clean only clothes. It's a shame you can't marry one.
And here's what Dave Knockles had them change it to:
Cleanavia 3000 is a revolution in consumer durables relating to, or directly involving, cleaning clothes and or soft furnishings. It has literally revolutionised your home cleaning experience. With functions such as a 1,500 RPM spin cycle for superior spin quality, a program that will prevent tanglement of silk or silk-like clothing products, and a cycle to wash dry clean-only items right there in your own home not a dry cleaners, it really is the market's leading home cleaning offering. Your consumer delight is guaranteed - that's the Cleanavia 3000 promise. Why not visit your local electrical retailer, supermarket offering an on-site line of electrical consumer durables, online electrical retailer or online electrical brokerage portal to make the Cleanavia 3000 a part of your consumer cleaning ritual?
See? I rest my fucking case. Marry a fucking washing machine? Up your semi-colon!
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!