I'm particularly ashamed of the way I boasted about having seven lapdances at Delilaz.
That's nothing to boast about. Fifteen is something to boast about! Seven is rubbish!
See!? I'm BACK!!! (The agency boys love my sense of humour - and that's why!)
Dave Knockles never lets anything get him down - even being laughed at by a room full of his contemporaries. He just picks himself up, dusts himself down and faces the next challenge with his chin held high.
What is that challenge? Finding a replacement for Sally Pearson-Wright, who's leaving to join the idiots at our number one rival, the market leader.
So, here are my top 5 tips for identifying an excellent marketing manager.
1) Qualifications. Avoid these. Sally had loads of them, and all she ended up doing was disagreeing with me and making suggestions. It also seemed to make her think that dealing with all my emails, fetching my dry cleaning and making my coffee wasn't her job. Er, hello!?
2) Experience. Avoid this. People who have worked in other marketing departments before always think your way of doing things is rubbish. All the experienced marketeers I've employed have left shortly afterwards, saying things like 'You don't know what you're doing.' See what I mean? Experience makes people narrow-minded.
3) Hefty bristolas. Just a personal preference! (I told you I was back!)
4) Confidence. Vital, this. Often, this person, who has absolutely no experience of marketing or advertising, will have to tell one of the agency boys (perhaps one with twenty or thirty years under his belt) that their ad is wrong. It takes a lot of bottle to do that. So if they can't say with total confidence something like, 'Oooh, I don't like that because that model looks like the girl my Darren shagged', then they won't make it in Dave Knockles's marketing dept.
5) Work ethic. As Marketing Director, you have precious little time to devote to work. Business lunches, the Management Breakfast Meeting, Fridays at the Dog & Hog, thinking time, servicing your BMW motor car, golf with Big Andy Poleman or Big Alan Humpage or Big Colin Knobbs, beerz with the agency to strengthen working relationships - it all adds up. So you need a marketing manager with the hardworking attitude to do all the stuff you would do if you only had the time. And they'll have to do their own job, too, of course.
It's always a stiff challenge. But I like to take stiff challenges in both hands. And I always pull it off!
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!