I took to the bottle, dear friends, because once more the board rejected my latest stroke of marketing fucking genius: my plan to exploit the new product placement legislation by taking over X Factor.
The meeting started with much promise. I'd been to the Dog & Hog with Mandy Fookes (my new Marketing Manager) for some intensive orientation training and, more to the point, to see if she gets fruity when she's had a couple. (She does.)
So, I'd had a beer (well, I'd had some beers) and was in fine and expansive form. I began by explaining the enormous opportunity I had unearthed, how I was going to triple the company's turnover and change the global face of marketing forever. This had their attention - only two of them were asleep, which is excellent for a post-lunch meeting.
Then I revealed the masterplan. To add a bit of theatre, I'd got a life-size picture of Simon Cowell made, standing next to a huge consumer durable, with the line 'If you've got the Cleanavia 1100, your whites (and coloured fabrics, excluding drapery) will have the X-Factor!'
(Fucking good line that - copywriters should watch and learn.)
Anyway, Big Andy Poleman says, 'How much are they going to want for all this, Dave?'
And I say, 'I've negotiated an exclusive deal: all they want is £400,000.'
And Poleman says, 'Jesus, Dave! Four-hundred grand gets us all over X-Factor like a fucking rash! Brilliant!'
And I say, 'No, no - that's four-hundred grand per episode.'
And Poleman says, 'How many episodes are there?'
And I say, 'Fuck knows, but it seems to last for cunting ages!'
And Poleman says, 'So, what you've actually done, Dave, is develop a plan to blow the next three years' marketing budget. And that plan is this: make that cunt Cowell substantially richer than he already fucking is.'
And I say, 'But this will change the face of marketing forever.'
And Poleman says, 'Sit down, Dave, and shut your fucking pipe. If you haven't found a new agency by this time next week, I'll personally make you eat your own desk, you cuntslot.'
It's hard to describe how I feel. I'm beginning to wonder whether my gift for marketing will go forever unrecognised. But I have to remind myself that I am the man who wrote the line 'Don't delay - buy today!', a line now used in ads all over the world.
I will not let the light of my talent be hidden behind the cloud of the world's lack of sales-oriented strategic vision.
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!