You pay for it by the frigging bucketload on pitch day.
On this long, sad day, 3-5 agencies (or maybe more, if you can possibly imagine anything so fucking hideous) rock up at whichever boardroom has been chosen as Boredom Sector 1, and tell you for an hour and a half that black is white, up is down and George Michael is an arm-wrestling father of three.
They'll spend the first 20 minutes telling you about their philosophy (incidentally, my philosophy is this: never go with a girl with big hands), the next 60 showing you the incomprehensible work they've done in response to the brief you wrote on the crapper, and the last 10 graciously letting you ask them questions. (Which you should never, EVER do because it just encourages them to keep on fucking talking.)
Anyway, here are some tricks to help get you through the day-long agony.
1) Write a ditty in your head.
Great tip, this. Make up a little song and keep singing it in your head - you'll be surprised how quickly the pitch flies by. My favourite was to the tune of the William Tell Overture and could be directed at whichever agency boy was killing me with Powerpoint: 'You're a cunt, you're a cunt, you're a cunt cunt cunt / You're a cunt, you're a cunt, you're a cunt cunt cunt / You're a cunt, you're a cunt, you're a cunt cunt cunt / You're a cuuuunnt, you're a big fat cunt.' (By all means use it, but remember to pay me royalties! In beerz!)
2) Mentally undress the agency girls.
Obvious, I know, but I thought I'd throw it in because, sometimes, they do have fantastic bristolas. It's a tried and tested method. But if it ain't broke, why not imagine giving it one up the funnel?
3) Pretend to take a call.
Remember - you're the boss. So if you need to take a call, just press your phone to your ear (it was on silent, if anyone asks why it didn't ring) say, 'Sorry, Brian - give me a minute', then walk out. Go back in when you've had a beer or a wank or a shit or whatever. It's your call.
4) Be a complete and utter fuck-end.
If you're really, really bored, be unpleasant. It can be very cathartic. Ask them stupid, aggressive questions, interrupt them with jokes only you laugh at, snort derisively at random moments and, if the fancy takes you, stop them and ask something like, 'If my brand was a vegetable, which would it be?'
In the end, though, you'll have 3-5 (or maybe more) presentation leave-behinds in front of you (which you should never read, under any circumstances). You won't remember any of the actual presentations. But you'll have to choose one of the agencies.
Next time, I'll tell you how to do it. And when I have, you'll want to blow me and buy me a beer! And I'll probably let you!
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!