Thursday, 26 November 2009

Agency characters, no 4 - The Account Executive

In my experience (which is extensive and deep and probably unrivalled in the entire marketing world) there are two types of Account Executive.

Attractive posh girls and unattractive posh girls.

In the world of London agencies, you see, posh girls are like fluffers. Their job is to get everybody all excited and happy, without actually making a tangible contribution to the overall process, allowing the big agency shaggers and the client to get on with the money shot.

(They usually have a pretty spectacular blowjob technique too, seeing as that activity forms a signifcant part of their professional life.)

Let's imagine an Account Exec at a big London agency. She's called Ophelia, her mother used to be a model, her father is big in something like phosphates, and she's got a little flat 'in town'. (How people refer to London is a good guage of just how posh they are. Calling it 'town' means they are very, very posh in-fucking-deed.)

She got a job through her father, who's soul-destroyingly tedious business-to-business account was with the agency she now works at.

Her day consists of being shouted at by the client, taking that message to the account director who, being an account director and therefore a workshy cunt, sends her to the creative director to pass on the message. The CD then shouts at her and tells her to say 'no' to the client. She phones the client and the whole thing starts again.

Occasionally, she may be asked to attend a briefing or pitch and make sure she's got her two top buttons undone. If necessary, the account director may ask her to fellate him, the client or both. She may also be required to fellate the creative director, the director of any TV spot she may be involved with, the celebrity the agency may be using and, of course, any member of the board.

She will not, however, under any circumstances, fellate a mere account manager. Nor will she fellate everyday creatives, or anyone from media. They're just nobodies. (That principle may change, however, if the person in question has cocaine.)

Naturally, the attractive posh girls rise to the top while the unattractive posh girls get frustrated and leave for a business that's less focused on tits, teeth, asses and blowjobs. Law, for instance. Every solicitor I've ever met has been an absolute road smash. (Some of them didn't even wear make-up, if you can fucking believe that!)

It may seem like a thankless, lowly position with few rewards. And that's because it is. But they're usually posh and rich, so don't feel to bad for them. I don't.

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!

4 comments:

  1. Dave

    You've done it again. This is so true. So so true. Mind you, I've just learnt something ... a didn't know what a Fluffer was. And yes, I've met many many fluffers in my working life. I'm glad to say that I'm not one, never have been, and don't intend on being one. That's why I'm not posh (read pretentious) and broke. This is their 15 mins of fame - enjoy it girls. I love this, so glad I found your blog.

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  2. Absolutely brilliant. You've lifted my afternoon. Please do "Planners" next...

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  3. @Laynie
    Glad to have enlightened you. I am here to serve. Well, and to be a fucking genius too.

    @ Mister Sixty Three
    The minute I work out what the fuckers do, I'm on it.

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  4. A account executive of the variety pretty (and yes I know it) I am neither posh (I am German hence do not know the real meaning of the word)nor rich and have decided I am very much wrong for this job and will be moving on shortly. Thanks for this accurate summary though!

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