Merry fucking Christmas and a happy fucking new fucking year.
We in the consumer durables market relating to, or directly involving, cleaning clothes and or soft furnishings and or other fabrics have to get festive pretty early in the year.
That's when we start to plan our Christmas promotions. You might think that nobody in their right mind would consider buying a consumer durable for Chrimbo, and you'd be right. Luckily, the world is full of people who aren't in their right mind, so we shift more stock at this time of year than Big Alan Cockson eats mince pies. And let me tell you, Big Alan Cockson once ate so many mince pies, he died for 4 minutes. (Seriously. The only way they could revive him was by waving another mince pie under his nose. The greedy cunt woke straight up and ate that one too.)
Anyway, there we are in flaming June, trying to think of ways to make our Chrimbles promotion different.
And guess what. We can't. Even I, Dave Knockles, marketing frigging legend, can't start getting excited about Christmas in June. So, over to the agency boys it goes!
And guess what. They can't do it either. They come back with the same three ideas every fucking time:
A gift tag on the product.
The product as a gift, half unwrapped.
The product with a mince pie and a glass of sherry on top.
This will be accompanied by the line 'Make Christmas extra special this year with 20% off the Hackysacky Fucking 5000'.
So the big secret about Christmas campaigns is that there's no earthly way to make them anything other than complete shit because you're working on them in fucking summer! Who feels Christmasy in summer? I'll tell you - Shit Alan. He does all his Christmas shopping in June - and that's one of the many reasons he's known as Shit Alan.
My advice, then, fellow marketing professionals is to bite the bullet, forget trying to do anything other than the usual rubbish and look forward to the one thing about Christmas that actually matters: the office party.
This year, we're starting at Radish Bar, moving on to Dog Bar, then God Bar, then into Mexicaniac for a giant nosh. I'll be hosting this year's Tequila Queens contest. It's a ladies-only competition, in which ladies drink tequila slammers until...well, until they start falling over, taking their clothes off and doing things with Marketing Directors that they say they regret the next day - even though we both know that's not true. How could it be - I'm Dave Knockles!
Anyway, look out for our Christmas promo this year. It's got the product as a gift, half unwrapped, with a gift tag on it, and a mince pie and a glass of sherry on the top. The line says 'Make Christmas extra special this year with 20% off the Spintabula 1250'. Who gives a fuck? Not me!
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!