Thursday, 19 November 2009

The client vs deadline vs agency conundrum

Deadlines. They're nobody's friend. They're like slugs, or non-porn, real-life lesbians - there's probably some need for them, but nobody actually likes them.

For we clients, they can be a massive headache, what with ads to approve in time to go back to the agency with, I'll be honest, lots of amends. Sometimes (by which I mean most of the time) I ask for the ad to be rewritten completely. Can I help it if I keep coming up with genius ideas that are better than the agency's?

The 'try again' phone call usually follows researching the ads. I use my mother as my sole focus group. She's nearly target audience, and she's a shrewd old bird, so she lets me know whether the agency boys have landed a hole-in-one or shanked the ball into the face of the club chairman's wife, then attempted to play the next shot off her blood-spattered chin where the ball had come to rest, misjudged the grip on the driver, smashed the club right into the old dear's windpipe, broken the club and called her a cunt for getting in the way in the first place. (This didn't happen to me, by the way. It didn't.)

Here's a tip, fellow marketeers: make up a completely fake deadline.

Tell the agency you need the ads back ASAP for a board meeting. (Tell agency boys that the board are seeing their ads and they get all excited AND very nervous. It's brilliant to watch.)

Now, the account director, being a seasoned pro, will also have this trick up his sleeve. He won't trust the scribblers (that's what I call creatives - they love it!) to do the ad on time because he thinks they're all on crack, or working on their portfolios, or on Facebook (which they are!) so he lies to them.

This pushes all the pressure in the right direction: away from you and towards the people doing the actual work. (I know - it's fucking brilliant, isn't it?) That gives you the space you need to do important stuff, like attend the board's Sausages & Solutions meetings - where you brainstorm answers to your company's problems fuelled only by three or four dozen of Kevin Scagg's handmade pork, beef, bacon, lamb, turkey, duck, squirrel and cheese bangers.

Anyway, I'm glad to be back to doing what I do best: dispensing nuggets of pure marketing gold!

With the pitch tomorrow, I feel a definite Dave Knockles spring in my Dave Knockles step. I'll soon have an agency again - and I can't wait to tell them that I've already come up with their first campaign! They'll be delighted!

Anyway, I have to keep it brief. Tonight is LadyBoy Night at Delilaz. Not sure what it means, but they're ladies and I'm a boy, so I think it'll be a blast! Whatever it is, I'll grab it by the horns!

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!

1 comment:

  1. Well actually doesn't matter who you are or where yo work, all customers are a pain in the ass, I had work with clients and they are really like that...

    Viagra samples