Sunday, 1 November 2009

Meet the stars of my new campaign

Say hello to Lizzi, Suzzi, Mizzi and Dizzi - the new faces (and other bits) of my new Cleanavia 1100 launch campaign.

These girls are going to help me shift BILLIONS of our new consumer durable, and make me so rich, I'll be able to pay Shakespeare to come back from the dead to write my blog. (Not that he'd be any better at it than me! Ha ha! I'm on fire today!)

As professional lapdancers (or lapologists, as their business cards say) they are the most convincing brand spokesladies imaginable. Why? Because they are filthy, dirty people. And filthy, dirty people need the very best in cleansing performance. Just imagine the stains they have to deal with.

I personally cast these girls myself. They happened to be at my own favoured executive's convenience, Delilaz.

How lucky is that? The perfect spokesbirds for my brand were right there under my nose (and I mean just millimetres under my nose at times). You couldn't make it up.

Of course, when I mentioned the idea of them being in my new ads, they were overcome with gratitude. In fact, I didn't pay for a dance all night! And Mizzi (or was it Dizzi?) did this thing with her feet that,'s quite hard to describe, actually...that I found touchingly expressive of her thanks.

Couple these girls with my new line 'Cleanavia cleans cleaner than cleaners that aren't Cleanavia' and you've got marketing fucking gold.

My first TV script features Lizzi (or is it Suzzi?) coming back home from a long shift, all dressed in lingerie and a fur coat, getting her kit off (tastefully, like - no slot shots or anything daft) and looking all saucy at the camera. 'Clothes this dirty need a special kind of clean', she says. (I know - it's brilliant, isn't it?) Then she says, 'The Cleanavia 1100 offers a supreme level of cleansing performance and can remove any stain (blood, egg, sodium hypochlorite and soil not included). It's a product that will guarantee your consumer delight - just like I do.'

Cut to end frame, Martin Clunes delivers the campaign line and, bingo bango, it's a fucking award winner.

Honestly, my new agency (whoever they are) are going to be so fucking chuffed that I've not only written the campaign line, the first TV ads and the press ads - but I've found the fucking faces too!

I think I might be some kind of gift from God!

Actually, he's a gift from me!

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!


  1. Ah, Dave. We have versions of you in Hooterville. Wanna-be Daves who try to out-swear me and out-shock me. Self-professed "pigs" who ask me to wear something more low cut to the next meeting. Charming. And so much fun. And that's why I'm glad George Parker brought you to my attention. A blog from the client-side is brilliant! Few clients really are as smart as they think they are. After all, if they could do this "voo-doo", then why fuck around with an agency? I LOVE IT!

  2. Thanks, adchick!

    Is Hooterville real? Please tell me Hooters' head office is there.

  3. Only a woman could be this funny ;)