Tuesday, 24 November 2009

A new day. A new agency. Lucky fuckers!

I got out of bed feeling so perky, I could have hung a week's laundry off my stalk-on. GOOD DAY TO YOU, WORLD!

Why such expansive morning wood?

Because today was my first day with my new agency. And I was so excited about telling them what the first campaign is going to be, I almost dry-humped the postman!

So, I breezed into the agency at 11am, virtually bang on time for my 10am meeting.

I clicked my finger guns at the fantastic receptionist (muchas bristolas, chaps!) and said, 'Morning, gorgeous! I'm Dave Knockles! Why can't I see stars because you are fucking knock-out!'

She smiled...sort of...and I was soon squidged softly into some seriously sumptuous sofas feeling like the King of cunting Soho. Two minutes later, I was walking into a room full of my new agency team! The table was laden with champers (a proper fucking agency, see) and only the very finest, leggiest, bristolas-nearly-falling-outiest account execs were on hand to keep my glass topped up (again - proper fucking agency).

'Right!' I said above the hubbub. 'Get your creatives - I'm about to give them the job of the century!' Cue more excitement, bustling and hurriedly fetching some...well, you know the sort. Creatives.

'Gather round, boys!' I said. 'This is the creative opportunity you've been waiting a lifetime for.' They gathered closer. Then I let them have it.

'You. Are. Going. To. DO. MY. IDEA!' I crescendoed. I was excited. I even stood up!

The poor fuckers couldn't believe their luck because there was nothing but silence. I downed another glass (or three) of champers quickly and gave them what I call 'The Davegasm'. It's my full presentation fireworks display and it has been known to make people physically sick, such is its power.

I told them at length about my idea. I announced the campaign line ('Cleanavia cleans cleaner than cleaners that aren't Cleanavia' - fucking genius). And I showed them shots of the girls I'd personally cast at Delilaz.

At the end, just more silence. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the power of a fucking massive idea. It can often induce total awe. It happens to me a lot. The creatives were just standing there, open-mouthed. 'It's alright,' I said, patting them on the heads. 'It's alright. I know.' Bless them.

Before I got too embarrassed by the silent adulation, the MD hurried everybody back to work and took me for a little lunch. Nothing fussy, just a bit of pasta, osso buco, risotto milanese, risotto di funghi, fruta di mare, agnello, linguine all' astice, coniglio, branzino, bistecca fiorentina, lasagne, pizza carne, pizza di pesce, pizza pollo and four or five ice creams.

'Your idea,' he said at one point. 'How long were you working on it?'

'It was virtually instant,' I replied. 'I have ideas in no time at all. It's almost like I'm thinking without thinking.'

'Wow,' he said, slowly. Then he seemed to brighten. 'Can we talk money?'

In short, it was a brilliant day - for them! I can't wait to see how the Cleanavia campaign pans out. I don't want to rush things, but I can smell awards! And I fucking deserve them!

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!


  1. Dave, what a crack-up. I've worked both sides of the equation, and YOU are so spot on. I've laughed so hard that I choked on my coffee. Well done. Beautifully written. And the closing line says it all. Thanks!

  2. A client like you would make my life so much fucking easier...I LOVE your approach!

  3. Fuck. Can you have more than one agency? We specialize in printing ad messages on toilet paper and billing it as eco-friendly. We're g.r.e.e.n. baby! Cleanavia interested?

  4. @ adchick and Laynie
    Good day, ladies. Thanks for getting in touch. Now, I know you feel drawn to Dave Knockles in a beguilingly irresistible way. You aren't the first, and you won't be the last. My advice is this: don't fight it. It's pointless.

    @ David.
    The whole issue of toilet paper is a moot one with me. This might help you understand why:


  5. added to the blog roll - epic - acclaim well deserved - not fighting it - def going with it - too rainy to play in london tonight, thanks for the reading