Monday, 14 December 2009

A beginner's guide to cunnilingus

I have decided that, perhaps, I should offer my fellow marketing professionals more than my insights into marketing. After all, there are many areas in life where I reach paradigm-changing levels of excellence. Success is success is success.

I am, for example, a sexual performer of undeniable talent. So I would like, if I may, to share with you some of the tricks that have helped me satisfy many, many women - even the ones I've had to pay, but who definitely enjoyed it, because they told me how amazing it was.

I turn my attention today to cunnilingus - a weapon any a true pleasurer of ladies will always have in his armoury.

Let me recount a tale that demonstrates this point perfectly.

I was, for a while, squiring a dirty muck-bag who I found in Delilaz. One special evening, I had her in the back of my BMW motor car (her mother didn't approve of romantic liaisons that weren't sanctified by marriage. No - hang on. My mother didn't approve) and I suggested that I might 'order something from the specials board - perhaps the fish'.

(I find approaching the subject with a romantic euphemism only heightens the pleasure.)

I employed may tried-and-tested technique: flobble your tongue about a bit, suck a bit, moan a bit and relax. Repeat until physically sick.

It works a treat - as it did there in my BMW. On this occasion, however, my young lady had neglected to tell me that this was her special time of the month. So I was a little surprised when I discovered a string amongst the usual bits, bobs and hairs.

Now, being unprepared for this, I inadvertently drew the string into my mouth when I reached the 'suck a bit' phase of my tried-and-tested technique. This was something of a surprise, as you can possibly imagine, so I pulled away slightly.

That movement must have been what caused the string to become very, very firmly stuck between my two front teeth.

Now, at this point I had no idea what was going on and, for a brief second, I imagined that I had been snagged by a serial killer who captured her victims with a mutant vagina. (Come on - what would you have thought?)

So, I pulled away sharply, yanking with me the string and, naturally, its accompanying sanitary product.

There was a certain amount of spatter, yes. But more shocking, to her certainly, was the fact that in the half-light of that McDonald's car park, it looked like I had found a rat, caught it with my bare teeth, skinned it and was now whipping it about by the tail as though showing off the proof of my hunting prowess.

For me, it felt like I had accidentally caught a pube and somehow performed an instant hysterectomy.

All in all, harrowing for us both.

Now, you'd be forgiven for thinking that this was a disaster. But thanks to the solidity of my technique, that young lady remembered me for my oral skills. As she told all the girls at Delilaz, 'Dave did something with his mouth that I can't even talk about.' Now that, fellow sexual dynamos, is fucking praise!

As an amusing finale to the evening, I arrived home to find my mother waiting for me 'worried sick' (like she always is if I stay out after dark - mothers, eh?). She looked at me, horrified, and said, 'David! Where have you been, boy?'

'McDonald's', I replied.

'Well, you obviously need to go easy on the ketchup,' she said. 'It's all over your face - now come here and let me clean that off.'

She did that mum thing where she kept licking her handkerchief and wiping, licking and wiping, licking and wiping. 'It doesn't taste like ketchup,' she remarked.

Aah, good times. And there'll be more, you can bet!

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!

10 comments:

  1. you are, without doubt, a man who reaches paradigm-changing levels of excellence in many (if not all) areas of life.
    i am not your mother dave, but after reading this, may i give you a motherly advice? dont go down on girls you know from delilaz. just because if your mum would ever find out, you know, she probably wouldnt be d'accord with it. if i think about it, i just hope she is not browsing the internet snooping around. and always wear protection. x (without tongue!)

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  2. OK, well, uh, look at the time........

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  3. @Ben
    I know! You can't believe you got this far in life without knowing that technique, right?

    @anon|nona
    Listen - those girls at Delilaz are the salt of the earth. Apart from a few convictions for knife crime, they're as good as gold. And I'm pretty sure they wash. Also, my mother thinks computers are TVs with a typewriter attached. You know, just in case you fancy writing a letter while Eastenders is on...

    @Carlos
    It IS a classic technique - you're bang on!

    @adchick

    I used to like you, you know. Now I suspect you only read my blog to laugh at me. Well, no matter! Laugh all you like! I am unbeatafiable!

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  4. HA! Oh, I'm not laughing....well, maybe a bit. Your advertising insights are unbeatafiable, indeed! Excellent new word I shall use in a sentence today. That and Parkers Shitasmic...I learn something new everyday!

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  5. wtf cares about convictions. or was it conventions? except for mothers, maybe. im pretty sure they are as good as gold dave. especially if you say so! going to drink to the salt of the earth tonight. cheers!

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  6. @adchick
    Yeah - unbeatafiable. You can be totally assurified of it.

    @anon|nona
    Please accept a very, very large one from me.

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  7. i would totally accept a very, very large gin & tonic :) happy holidays! x

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  8. nice ...no word to express thanks

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