Once upon a time, there was a client. He was very, very well hung, was widely considered a genius, and had a very nice BMW motor car.
He employed an advertising agency to do his...advertising, obviously...and at the end of every month, he was shown a record of the time the agency's staff had been spending on his account. This came in the form of time sheets.
They were written in tartan ink, on paper made from clouds, and bound in folders hand-crafted by Bilbo Baggins, Superman and Dora The fucking Explorer.
The client, being a shrewd and, it was agreed, very attractive man, inspected the time sheets closely. Some would say 'Ad concept, 2 days.' Some would say 'Ad concept, 3 days.' Some would even say 'Ad amend, 4 hours.'
Though the client was kind and patient he....aah, fuck it. I can't keep this shit up.
Let me cut right to the chase: how the FUCK do you agency boys fill in time sheets? Do you get trained to pick a number, add ten and double it? Or does it come naturally? Because, for the life of me, I can't make the connection between what you do and what appears on these tissues of falsehoods, these great tomes of hogwash, these fucking bibles of bullshit.
Take ad concepts, for starters. I came up with the Cleanavia campaign in almost no time at all. Literally. One second the idea wasn't in my head, the next IT WAS! How is it different for you? Surely it goes: haven't got the idea, haven't got the idea, haven't got the idea, haven't the idea, GOT THE IDEA!
Why should I be paying for you to not have the idea? What, because you're 'thinking about it'? Jesus! I don't pay the girls at Delilaz to not do the thing where they get their ankles right up...you know...round the back there and...sort of...do that thing with their lower back that...you know...just behind the...thing. Of course I don't! And I don't pay them to 'think about it'! I pay them to do it. Why are you any different to 20-quid-a-go lapdancers?
And as for amends, don't get me fucking started. (Except you have, so tough balls.) Why should I pay you to amend an ad I HAVE MADE BETTER?
An example. My last agency did an ad which, after consulting with my mother, I rejected, on the grounds that the headline was 'the kind of thing a whore would say'. (My mother makes some harsh judgements on ads, but she's nearly target audience, so what can you say?) I proposed a couple of changes (you know, 'Try making the headline less whorish - and be quick about it', that sort of thing) which they did - and the ad got signed off!
So, we went from an ad being rejected, through Dave Knockles-inspired changes, to an ad being signed off. AND I'M EXPECTED TO PAY FOR IT! Clearly, without my improvements, the ad wouldn't have been signed off! It's a fucking joke!
So, my advice to you, fellow marketing professional, is to police these timesheets closely or, even better, do what I did: agree to pay a monthly retainer plus amends charges - then change your mind a week later once they can't do without your income and make them do amends for free!
It's a win-win, really. You get to fuck about with the ads until they look the way you want, and the agency learns how advertising is done properly.
That's the way I like it. And that's the way it is!
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!