Thursday, 17 December 2009

Planning - I'm getting the fucking hang of it!

Look at this image.

It is not, as you might suspect, the web of an OCD spider with a set square and a massive stash of LSD.

It's from something called The Account Planning Group, which is a group of account planners. (Fucking imaginative, that, eh? I imagine the founders' children are called things like 'Child', 'Infant 1', 'Young Human', 'A', 'B' and fucking 'C'.)

Anyway, this is from the Swedish wing of the APG. And, fair enough, the Swedish bit of it doesn't make a lot of sense. But even if it did, would that diagram / mindmap / visual-representation-of-a-catastrophic-mental-breakdown make any more sense?

Realistically, could that chart make any sense to anyone other than the autistic boy who created it? Of course not.

And that was my problem with planners - that and all the bullshit - but I think I've made another breakthrough. (I've already uncovered the truth that planning is like astrology. Argue with that if you can. Anyway, you can't.)

Well, after reading the APG site a lot (well, as much as you really can without wanting to slice off your own balls), I see that there are account planners, comms planners, media planners, digital planners, channel planners, DM planners.

Then there are things called communications strategists, insight strategists, market strategists, 360 strategists, 360 strategic planners, 360 insight strategists, insight technologists, planning technologists and so on and so on and so on.

They are all engaged, in a million different ways, in 'strategy'. Also, 'insight', 'thinking' and more 'strategy'.

So, basically, there a baffling array of job titles, doing a lot of baffling things, in an industry that leads humankind's journey into bafflement. And that thought led me to my discovery.

Whisper it. Because if they know you know, they might kill you or something. Here it is:




Planners. Don't. Exist.



Think about it! Have you ever seen a tangible something that a planner has produced? No! Me neither! I mean, sure, there are things written on paper, and powerpoint slides that look like Jackson Pollock got gang-raped by seven pie-charts and a calculator, but anything actually real? Never!

They aren't real! It all adds up! They aren't fucking real! They're just people who got together and worked out a way of using their very expensive degrees for something nobody can hold them to!

When you sit back and look at it, it's fucking genius! Imagine: your entire professional existence boils down to absolutely nothing because you've made yourself up!

It's sensational! What balls! What absolutely colossal balls! Bravo, planners! Bra-fucking-vo! I'm jealous. I'm jealous because I thought I'd created a job for myself that meant I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it and get lots of nice lunches along the way.

But you've beaten me! You've beaten me fair and fucking square!

Planners? YOU ARE THE CLIENT!




4 comments:

  1. Spot on Mr Knockles. less poo jokes, more jokes about planners..which are twice as funny as they're jokes...about jokes...gedddit?

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  2. After years of working for publishers as an agency rep this is music to my ears. You should try working in the Spanish market where planning means maximising the agency kickback.

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  3. var? why does it ask 'where' in german if its from the swedes? (which it is, i checked. not that i dont believe every word you say dave). this just seems to prove a point. not sure which one. anyway, the post made me laugh! it probably shouldnt have. sorry :)

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  4. Funny story, love, but all this jovial drivel doesn't make much sense. "Strategy" is as widely misused and misunderstood as "Creative" or "Digital".

    There's either a good marketing idea spanning different media, or there isn't. All the titles and jazzy demarcations of roles and responsibilities can take a walk.

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