You may now have a fresh set of wonderful memories to take to your grave (perhaps of your children's disbelieving faces as they opened that special surprise present you saved 'til last) but I have a fresh set of memories of my mother saying things like 'you really do buy the worst presents, David', 'turkey is meant to be dry, David - it doesn't live in water you idiot boy' and 'put more emollient on my hemorrhoids, David, before one of them pustulates again'. (She speaks her mind, the old girl!)
But it's not just me having a shit old time. Advertisers seem to be having a right fucking nightmare too - thanks to their agencies.
It seems to me that when the word 'Christmas' appears on a brief, agencies either a) come over all misty-eyed and rediscover their inner child, or b) they give the brief to the most mawkish, cheese-munching shmaltz-face in the place and say 'Remember last year? Give it more corn.' Any guesses which?
Hence the toe-curling cock-splot of M&S, Morrisons and Asda, all laying on the Christmas stilton with a fucking trowel. And even I thought Iceland's effort was a total fucking disaster - mainly because they removed the busty charms of Katona and replaced them with Jason Donavon and, I think, his Nan.
Anyway, I have a solution for next year.
Every celeb in Britain willing to whore themselves in a TV ad puts their name in a hat. Every advertiser willing to use a celeb in their ad puts their name into a different hat. Finally, every musician willing to let the above bum-rape their art for cash goes into a third hat.
A name from each hat is put together (for instance, 'Jeremy Clarkson', 'Pampers' and 'All The Young Dudes'). Then, instead of us having to sit through the fucking agony of watching Jeremy Clarkson jaw his way through a Pampers ad to the tune of All The Young Dudes, we just get a 10 second title in simple, clear type.
It says 'Jeremy Clarkson. Pampers. All The Young Dudes.' Blam. Done. Next one might say 'Alan Carr. Smeg. Every Rose Has Its Thorn.' And so on.
It'd save a lot of time, money and pain.
Nobody will have the balls to do it, mind. Just like nobody seems to want to go with my idea of having Mrs Claus as the face of our Christmas ads - only she's a blonde with big bristolas! (She could say stuff like 'Ho ho ho! The Cleanavia 1100 guarantees consumer delight through superior cleansing performance (some fabrics not included)!' Fucking festive, innit?)
Anyway, that's my take on Christmas ads: they're a load of back-flow. Personally, I'd rather get drunk and eat turkey legs dipped in dripping. So I do!
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!