Friday, 29 January 2010


Some of you may have noticed I didn't post yesterday. Some of you might even have given a shit! (I'm joking of course - you were all gutted, I know. Understandably. This shit is genius, every day, even on the days when it's shit.)

I was doing something vitally important instead: cementing the agency / client relationship.

That's right: beerz!

I'd spent much of yesterday deeply involved in paperwork, figures, admin - I can't remember delegating that much work in a long time. Anyway, while I was forwarding all the emails asking me for stuff, I realised I hadn't really had a proper cementing session with my new agency.

So, at about 2pm, when I'd finally shifted all my work onto Mandy Fookes's desk (my guide to delegation is here and it's brilliant) I called the agency.

The receptionist answered. 'It's your very own Dave Knockles, darling!' I said. She played her usual joke of saying 'Who?', so I carried on with 'Listen, treacle - I've got an 'f', a 'c' and a 'k'. Now all I need is 'u'.'

She loved it so much, she couldn't speak! Just put me straight through without saying a word! Anyway, I spoke to the account director. 'Tonight's the night - we need to cement this relationship! And we need to cement it hard!'

He mumbled something about late notice and workloads and anniversaries and a sick child or something, but I wasn't really listening. I was excited! 'Great! That's agreed - Dog Bar at 6pm. Bring a crowd!'

Now, some may think this 'cementing' is just wanton piss-uppery that makes not one jot of difference to the bottom line of either client or agency and, in fact, is merely an excuse for the client to milk the expense account of the account director.

And I say: What's wrong with that? HA HA HA!

No, seriously. The cementing of the client / agency relationship is of almost religious importance. It is the bedrock, the foundation, the...bedrock of any interaction between agency and client - every single transaction and conversation is affected by the quality of that bond. And I find that nothing improves the quality of a bond like getting together, drinking several litres of high-strength German lager, wrapping your tie round your head and snorting vodka from the navel of an account exec. It fucking worked last night, I don't mind telling you.

One slight fly in the ointment, however. Apparently, at about 2am, I arranged a breakfast meeting with them for 8am the next day (well, the same day). When I woke up this morning (well, nearly morning - 3pm-ish) and switched my phone on, there were 106 missed calls. There were the usual 30-odd from my mother, but the rest was the agency saying things like 'Where are you, you wanker?' and 'This is unacceptable, you shithead.' (I maintain I didn't arrange any such meeting. But the absinthe may have! HA HA HA!)

But you know what? Because we cemented the relationship last night, we'll get through this little rough patch much quicker. Imagine if we hadn't done all that cementing, eh? We'd be in a real sticky patch. And I don't like sticky patches - that's where she should lie! HA HA HA! (I'm on top form today!)

My advice, then, fellow marketing professionals is this: cement yourself blind regularly. And make sure they pay! I do!

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!


  1. brilliant. well done. i just cemented myself blind. no agency folks around tho. i should get them to go out on saturday next time.

  2. Yes, you should - and make sure they've got the gold card with them before you agree to attend.

    They day I pay for a drink when there's someone from an agency within a mile is the day I hang up my 1992 Best Newcomer in Consumer Durables Marketing (Bedford & Luton) Award.