Wednesday, 13 January 2010

The anatomy of a board

People often ask me, 'Dave - just who's on your board and how do you formulate long-term success strategies that combine customer delight with year-on-year real-term improvements to the bottom line?'

(Actually, nobody asks me that. But come on, I've got to write about something for fuck's sake. What would I do if I didn't do this? Read books? Learn stuff? Form a meaningful relationship with a woman I love and admire? Exactly.)

So here, member by glorious, engorged member, is the board of my company.

Big Andy Poleman, Managing Director.
Big Andy Poleman is a legend in business circles for his no-holds-barred, both-hands-on, semi-violent approach to commercial dealings. Before joining our board, he built and ran the UK's leading nightclub and door security firm, at one point supplying 98% of the UK's doormen. But he built that near-monopoly fair and square, there was nothing dodgy going on at all, and the charges were dropped.

Big Alan Cockson, Finance Director.
Big Alan Cockson's dedication to this company is evidenced by his numerous heart attacks, strokes and coronary embolisms suffered at the workplace - many of which he has sustained and recovered from in the course of a single meeting. No matter how many times his massively unpredictable heart beats him to the ground, he always gets back up - especially if there's a buffet to be enjoyed. Though he is morbidly obese and a diagnosed sex addict, he is one of life's gentlemen. Unless he's had a scotch, in which case, look the fuck out.

Big Brian Humpage, Sales Director.
Beneath his openly misogynistic exterior, Big Brian Humpage is, basically, a cunt. And that's what makes him perfect for the world of sales. He'd kill you and eat your dead anus if it meant he got one sale closer to a monthly bonus, he's screwed over so many colleagues he often needs police protection and he has actually written and signed the contract that sells his soul to Satan - he's just waiting for the Dark Lord to add his signature. 'When the big man puts ink on it,' he often says, 'I'll hit targets so fucking big, I'll get Norway as a bonus.'

Big Micky Dickings, Product Development Director.
An old associate of Big Andy Poleman's, Big Micky Dickings was recently brought into the company to oversee the development of innovative, commercially viable consumer durables. Though he has no experience of this kind of work, or indeed of any kind of work except being a doorman, he does get things done. His management style has been described as 'singularly, brutally effective'. I'd like to put on record that I like him very, very much.

Dave Knockles, Marketing Director.
I don't think I need to tell you about this guy! Instead, let me use Big Andy Poleman's words, found in an email he accidentally sent to me but meant for all the other board members: 'The Dave problem continues, but I can't really see a solution in the short-term.' (You don't need to be a genius to see that 'the Dave problem' is this: keeping everyone's pecker up when one member of staff (me!) is outperforming them so completely! I'll leave that one to you, Andy! Guilty as charged!)

Today was a great example of how we work. We got together for an early, early strategy meeting (11am - talk about needing a cup of coffee!), formulated some hardcore fucking business vision, headed for the Dog & Hog Carvery for a breather at 11.30, kept the pot boiling over lunch, then finished the session, exhausted and drenched in management outpourings at 3.30pm.

It's good old-fashioned hard graft, but it gets the job done. I wouldn't change it for a barrel of tits.

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!


  1. There is no "Dave problem". There are only people who are not up to the level of Knockles. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all.

    Now, when are you going to stop pissing about, stuff Rupert Abbott into a Cleanavia together with three bloodthristy marmots, and show us some of those classic Dave Knockles ads, filled with genius and bristolas? Inquiring minds want to know.

  2. Haha, genius thank you. Cheered up my Thursday evening in front of Silent Witness......