Tuesday, 5 January 2010

The Cleanavia Campaign. We have lift off.

After several false starts, several ding-dongs and several pints of blood, sweat and tears from yours truly, the Cleanavia launch campaign is done, dusted and in the bag.

After yesterday's unpleasantness, I felt I should devote today to the achievement of goals.

Now, I didn't get home until 6am this morning, so I knew I wouldn't be in tip-top form until I'd had a quick power nap.

And, indeed, eight hours later, I felt fantastic!

Before I slipped beneath the non-fake satin sheets of my executive bed, however, I made sure that I would still be able to devote today to the achievement of goals: I delegated someone else to achieve the goals for me. (It still counts.)

I simply called the agency and said, 'Get the ads ready by today. I don't know when. I'll come in at some point. Not sure when. But I want them ready when I get there.'

(Now that, fellow marketing professionals, is how to deal with an agency.)

I was asleep before I could hang up. (Which caused an issue, apparently, because the line stayed open and all the account director could do with his phone all day was listen to me snore and fart.)

Anyway, I got in at about 5pm, full of vim and vinegar. 'Hello, miss,' I said to the receptionist. 'Are you married? Do you like anal sex? Answer the second question first.' She laughed (like they all do when I turn on the charm!) and looked at her fellow receptionista knowingly. They'd probably been talking about me, the mucky pair!

The meeting was brief, brutal and beery - just how I like them. (And how I sometimes like a bang, actually, but that's a different story.)

The ads were done, I approved them (once I'd got home and checked with my mother, naturally - she's nearly target audience) and they went to press. Simple.

'Why can't all meetings be like this?' I asked them. Weirdly, nobody had an answer until someone piped up and said, 'They normally are. You know, with other clients.'

'Ah!' I retorted. 'But other clients don't do work like THIS!' And I held up one of the ads (featuring a beautiful bird with muchas bristolas, a Cleanavia 1100 and the headline 'Superior cleansing performance meets aspirational design. What a cracking pair.')

'No,' the nay-sayer had to reply. 'No they don't.'

Fucking right! 'Stick with me,' I cheered, 'And your portfolio will look better than a three-grand hooker with new tits!'

It's true too!

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!


  1. Thanks, David. But I'm really just a humble man trying to deliver excellence and customer delight via groundbreaking, game-changing insight-based marketing strategy. Yes, most of the time I succeed way beyond expectations - but that doesn't make me different to mere mortals. I still have to get up in the morning and go to work like everyone else.

    Actually, who am I kidding? You're right! I'm a fucking champ!