Saturday, 16 January 2010

A guest post from Big Alan Cockson, Finance Director

Hello. My name is Alan Cockson. I am the Finance Director at the company you may know as that at which David Knockles is the Marketing Director.

As you know, David writes this blog. He has asked me, Alan Cockson, to fill in for him while he takes a break at a facility in Amsterdam for the management of executive stress. I personally recommended it to him having visited several times myself, usually after a heart attack, stroke or coronary embolism, of which I have suffered many of. David, like many of us on the board, has recently been suffering under the pressures of high-level management. It is therefore for that reason why he has taken the aforementioned sabbatical for the duration of this weekend. If anyone from the revenue is reading, it's tax deductible.

Having never read David's blog (indeed, I have never read any blog, used the internet or switched on the computer in my office) I asked him what I should write about. He replied, 'Anything - just make it interesting to an audience of marketing people.'

With that in mind, my post could loosely be titled 'Why advertising makes 0% sense and should be wiped out.'

Marketing, advertising, design and other creative-oriented services are what I call 'life's inessentials'. In financial terms, they deliver a non-material return on investment because they can't be accurately measured or quantified. One of David's advertisements, for example, will cost upwards of 100,000 sterling, but the revenue it generates can't be truly known.

Furthermore, it is generally the territory of what I call 'bohemian liberals' who, being by and large lesbians, gays, women, communists, subversives, Islamists, drug addicts, satanists, child-molesters, nudists, hippies, punks, skinheads, immigrants and young people, are highly unreliable - representing what the insurance business might call a 'heavy risk'. Prudence would suggest that investing in such people will probably end in significant financial loss, violence and vomiting / intravenous drug use.

In a sensible assessment of business practice, therefore, this is the first area which should be de-budgeted. Some may argue that without advertising, customers will not be aware of new products, special offers etc, but a simple analysis shows that the reduction in sales often does not outweigh the cost of the marketing in the first place. That scenario is what I call 'a zero commercial common sense situation'.

Sensible businesses, knowing that advertising and marketing is largely run by homosexuals (who are known to have little commercial sense), will direct funding into measurable areas that show a tangible return: stationery, share options for directors, finance department training seminars in Gran Canaria etc.

In short, it is proven fact that all the people in your industry are a bad investment and even the most basic financial scrutiny shows you should be re-budgeted into alternative business areas such as admin, building maintenance, cleaning, unemployment and death.

I hope you have found this a useful post and not too much of a change from David's thoughts. Perhaps in the future he might permit me to expand on my theory into more detailed areas of analysis, for instance, why women are bad for business.

Yours sincerely,

Alan Cockson, Finance Director.

8 comments:

  1. 如果你批評他人。你就沒有時間付出愛.........................

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  2. I get those comments too. I think it's Japanese people selling dirty videos. That picture third from the left means 'anal'.

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  3. Fuck off Cockson, you're not a patch on Knockles.

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