I should tell you about Cutella. I should tell you everything. She is, as well as the woman I intend to marry, a person of rich complexity, a beautiful soul.
Naturally, she is stunningly attractive. You don't get to shake your tits in front of London's top executives if you're a bog-faced gargoyle with bingo wings and a fat neck. But there is beauty, and there is beauty.
Cutella's hair is a dizzying mixture of shimmering brunette and laser-bright blonde. Plus some red streaks, blue streaks, green streaks and a kind of plait thing that comes down to her arse.
Down her back (in fact, all over her back) is a tattoo depicting a moving undersea scene in which a mermaid, a dolphin and, I think, Neptune, gaze upon a scroll bearing the legend, 'Mom. An angel from the seaside in Bournemouth. 1950 - 1998.' Down her right arm is another tattoo, a beautifully crafted message that boldly asks 'What have you done for me lately?' which, she informs me, is from a poem (shame on you if you thought lapdancers weren't cultured!).
On the left cheek of her magnificent arse is more 'ink' (as she puts it), this time a delightful little rabbit and the words, in flowing lettering, 'Fuck bunny'. Finally, a snake wends its way from just above the right ankle, round her calf, across her thigh and ends with its head at her crotch, its tongue disappearing into her (always trimmed) lady bush. It is as moving as it is erotically charged.
But there's more to Cutella than a sensational body, a spectacular back end and award-winning bristolas. (Literally award-winning: Best Boobs, UK Stripper Awards 2006.)
Her green eyes, little button nose and slightly-surgically-enhanced lips give her the look of an angel, but an angel you can believe in. The angel next door, if you like. Also, she does look proper dirty.
And what a beautiful person she is! Kind, diligent, caring, attentive - and that's just when you've shoved forty notes down her thong. Imagine what shed do for love!
She constantly surprises me too. She knows exactly how much my BMW is worth! She knows the market value of my house! She's looked into my personal finances and suggested she can invest my money somewhere more profitable! What she knows amazes me. She amazes me. She is my angel, my saviour, my Cutella.
I'm going to propose when she's back from a break, visiting her father on death row in America.
Of course, she'll say 'yes'.
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!