Thursday, 4 February 2010

How agencies should make a new business approach

As the Marketing Director in the consumer durables market relating to, or directly involving, cleaning clothes and or soft furnishings and or other fabrics, with a commitment to excellence, quality and placing superior cleaning at the core of our customers' product experience, I get loads of approaches from agency boys.

(That pic is fucking wicked, by the way! I must get my agency to use it.)

These approaches come from ad agencies, digital agencies, media agencies, design agencies, experiential agencies, promotions agencies, ambient agencies - the whole fucking range of agencies. (Except escort agencies, sadly. I have to find those myself. Or I ask Big Alan Cockson.)

Nearly all these approaches are consigned to the bin without so much as a forearm smash to the dangle-bag.

So, here are the fundamental fuck-ups you bozos are making.

1. Sending something that tells me how great you are.
Whether it's a letter, an email, something clever in a box or a heartfelt testimonial from your biggest client, if it's about how ingenious, successful, inspired or insightful you are, it goes straight in the bin.

Why? Because it makes you sound like big-headed cunt-bottles, that's why. It makes you sound like the bloke at the party who goes on about his job, his fucking money, his car and his executive home. In other words, me - and I'm me, so fuck off.

2. Sending something that tells me how great I am.
I'm sure you would 'love' to work on my brand, and I'm sure you are 'passionate' about it, and I'm sure you would 'cherish' the chance to increase my sales and blah blah blah, but would you please withdraw your nose from my rectum, you weasely little snot-scrape. I need to sit down and I can't because you've got your face pressed against my a-pipe.

3. Sending a 'gift'.
I don't really have an objection to this. In fact, I'd welcome 'gifts' with open arms and, depending on the 'gift', open legs. But our parent company forbids anything like that. I think they're fucking mormons, or 7th day adventists, or cunts, or something.

4. Pulling some wacky stunt in reception.
If I wanted to watch out-of-work actors dressed as washing machines dancing to the tune of 'You Spin Me Right Round', I'd go to the fucking theatre. And I will never go to the theatre, ever, not even if you pay me in tits.

An alternative strategy: Ply me with booze.

It's all about connections, trust, cementing relationships, mutual goals, shared visions, bonding, symbiosis and, of course, that is all made possible by one thing only: beerz.

I can't think of a single supplier I use who I didn't hire while face down in a pile of curry with my trousers round my ankles and half-empty bottles of Aftershock in my jacket pockets. It's the way business works, and it's utterly magnificent.

So my advice to all you agencies is a) stop moaning when I do your jobs better than you (which I always do!) and b) stop trying to win business on the strength of your commitment, knowledge, success or ability. Nobody in business ever got anywhere with commitment, knowledge, success or ability.

Instead, get your gold card out, put your pride away and BUY DADDY BEERZ. It's the only way. And I should know.

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!


  1. I'll see to it that your very wise and blunt advice reaches the depths of the Antipodes, and lands on the desks of our real estate fraternity.

    Biggest arse wipes on the planet. Most of them.

  2. One of the truest posts on the whole computer internet.

  3. 你怎麼能經過一片海,而忘記它的藍?.........................

  4. Sa-weet! We think the same, and we are a friggin agency. We just say it with slightly smaller balls and only one showing.

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  9. well said but wont work in india , u need to be more tough here...