Tuesday, 23 February 2010

How do you solve a problem like my genius?

There are occasions when, as someone whose business thinking is patently far ahead of its time, you have to accept that your colleagues and contemporaries simply can't keep up with you.

Today, yet again, the finely-honed arrows of my marketing insight came up against a wall of outmoded thinking in a tidal wave of ignorance.

During a short meeting with the board (following Big Brian Humpage's scandalously over-ambitious sales projections - he's going to sell a consumer durable to every human and monkey in the world, apparently) I was asked for an outline of the next quarter's marketing strategy.

"I'm going to be focusing my efforts on cloudvertising," I told them. "But first I have to invent it. When I do, though, it will be, quite simply, the most effective form of marketing communications ever devised. I predict profits from media sales alone in the billions."

The response? Open mouths, slack jaws and the cold wind of incredulity blowing across the fountain of conservatism.

(Cloudvertising actually is my invention. I was having a quite explosive, traumatic dump the other day and was forced, almost literally, to open a window. As I gazed out, slightly frantically gasping for breath, I saw a cloud that looked like a pair of bristolas. And you know what every good ad has, don't you? Correct - bristolas. Anyway, it gave me an idea. Basically, I'm going to invent a way of putting ads on clouds. Imagine the fuck out of that. And don't fucking try nicking cloudvertising or I'll send Mick The Cunt round. A clue: he didn't get his name because he has a face like a fanny. Though he does, which can lead to confusion.)

Well, after that meeting I looked for what I thought would be like minds and went to my agency.

"Good afternoon, darling!" I chirruped to the receptionist. "You remind me of a George Foreman grill, you do."

"Why?" she replied.

"Because you look like you know what to do with meat," I fired back. I looked coquettishly over my shoulder as I headed for the lift, but she seemed to have been distracted by some bad news because she was just looking out of the window, shaking her head.

Several floors up, I addressed the agency boys. "CLOUDVERTISING!" I roared.

Again, a sea of furrowed brows in a web of confusion. Again, the usual comments, the usual sneers. What is it? Does it exist? Is it even possible? Are you serious? Are you pissed? Are you a fucking idiot? Are you stoned? Are you from a different planet? Blah, blah, blah - all the kind of stone-throwing and hate-mongering that Jesus had to deal with.

Well, I've developed a thick skin over the years of bearing the burden of my intellect, and I parted with a pithy response that I hope made my point.

"You are all scat-gobbling cuntpoles with fuck-gravy for brains and unless you buy me several dozen beerz NOW my account will be at a different agency before you can pull your inbred thumbs out of your crusty fucking bang-holes."

Cloudvertising is genius. And it will have its day.

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!

1 comment:

  1. Dave, sorry to tell you but cloudvertising is already a big thing here in Belgium. All the major Consumer Durable brands use it all the time. As I look out of my office window right now there's a cloud going by with a washing brand going past.
    They've even been able to harness the technology and apparently we're getting moving images on clouds soon.
    It's been voted best ever effing media in the wide world and the most cunting brilliant invention ever ever come to anyones mind in the whole universe.
    Works really well in Europe because it's always bloody overcast, but not so effective on the Costa.

    Why not move over here, where we seem up to par with your marketing genius, and the beerz are better than the british cats piss.