Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Creatives. The definitive guide.

In my many years of dealing with agencies, I have become something of an expert…actually, I’ve become a pure and unfettered expert…on the subject of creatives, or ‘scribblers’, as I prefer to call them.

(They love it, mind – I’ve never heard a single complaint about me, a client, calling them scribblers. Not one. Well, six or seven, but not really a proper one. At least, not a proper one that’s escalated beyond the point of mild violence.

Creatives like to think of themselves as a single species, one that is connected to each other, and to God, by a mysterious, indefinable and sacred ability to summon great leaps of imaginative thinking from the void that confronts normal people when they try to have an idea.

In reality, they can be broken down into several sub-species. And that mysterious ability to summon great leaps of imaginative thinking can be boiled down to one word: YouTube.


Traditionally, these were the intellectual powerhouses of the agency. Then computers happened, and they weren’t. They still aren’t. Somehow, though, they still act as though they are. Personally, I haven’t met a copywriter who could write words what are much more better than what I can do with my own wordings because I done English at school so what’s the point of them and that.

Art Directors.

Say hello to the Art Director. He is wearing black. He is an artist. When he’s not sullying himself with your ads, he is an artist. So think carefully before you question his taste because, in effect, you are questioning his very soul. He can draw. Can you draw? No. You cannot draw. You can only doodle a cock and balls, or a Chad saying ‘Wot, no handjobs?’. Be seated. Be quiet. Be art directed.


Most designers are very right-brained. Well, if that’s the bit that enables them to write your company’s name in one of the 5 billion typefaces currently alive in the world, and then add an unfathomable splat that represents ‘the dynamism of your brand’. Did you know that there are more designers in the world than there are grains of sand, molecules of hydrogen and DJs combined?

None of the above are necessary when you have a laser-guided mind like mine, but I appreciate that you, my fellow marketing professional, may not be similarly gifted.

So tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that, or sometime soon, or next month, or possibly never, I will give you my top tips on handling these precious show ponies without making them so angry that they draw unfeasibly unflattering caricatures of you to use, basically, as voodoo dolls.

(That hasn’t happened to me, by the way. They were using them for darts practice. Voodoo didn’t come into it.)

It will be unmissable!

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!


  1. 'He is wearing black, He is an artist' What about us girl art directors? Especially the ones that like to wear pretty colourful dresses?