Friday, 16 April 2010

Our new product range. Revealed!

This is it, my fellow marketing professionals! This is the moment I delegate so hard for, every day, right at the coal face, forwarding emails frantically for Amanda Fookes to deal with - it's all for this.

The unveiling of our new product suite: THE CLEANASSIMO RANGE.

(Just linger over that name a while: Cleanassimo. Isn't it beautiful? Cleanassimo, Cleanassimo, Cleanassimo. One of my best, I think. You may remember that I named the Cleanavia 1100 too - inspired by the Flavia coffee machine I have in my office. Well, about a month ago, I replaced it with a Tassimo. The rest, as they don't say, will be history! Inspiration, never forget, can come from anywhere. The truly creative person is always open to new ideas.)

This time, though, we've got an entire range. The Cleanassimo 1000 will be joined by the 2000, 3000, 5000, 10,000, 138,000 and the range-topping 266,000.

All of them are products at the cutting edge that sits just behind the actual cutting edge. They are class-leading in the class below the class that's just below first class. So we're pretty proud. They represent possibly the biggest advancements in increasing margin and lowering production costs we've ever achieved. Our technical guys have been pushed pretty hard (at times physically) to develop products that break new ground in per-unit profits. They've done amazingly well. And there's some stuff customers might like too, so it's a win-win. But mainly, it's a win.

(By the way - AND THIS IS INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT - you can't tell a fucking soul about this, okay? Nobody. Not even your boyfriend / girlfriend / husband / wife / favourite hooker / person-you-sort-of-like-but-are-basically-with-for-the-sex-and-to-stave-off-the-fear-of-loneliness. You can't even tell your mother. Seriously. If anyone finds out I've been blabbing, Big Andy Poleman, my MD, will use my anus for a driving range.)

Naturally, a new product range needs a new product range campaign. And I've had some BRILLIANT ideas! The agency are going to be so fucking chuffed when I tell them I'VE ALREADY CRACKED THE CAMPAIGN AGAIN! I won't reveal too much at this stage, but if you remember the Cleanavia campaign and the way I featured a set of wonderful ladies I cast myself (from Delilaz - a coincidence I still can't get over), well, it's along the same lines only way, way better. It's SO much better. I'm so excited about it, I'm struggling to conceal the name of the major celebrities who'll be...oh no! I've let too much slip already!

It raises a serious issue, however. Do I actually need an agency when it's perfectly obvious that I can do it all myself.

I'd be interested to hear your views. What does an agency offer that I can't deliver myself?

Imagine it. I could do whatever I fucking wanted! More than I do already!



  1. Dave, I think you need a quick sense-check. Your ducks are seriously not-in-a-row if you think you make the step change to working without an agency. At the end of the day, they offer strategic insight, media savvy, creative excellence and production know-how. Now, as you well know you can get most of that at your local Prontaprint, for a lot less wonga. The agency's big advantage? Deep pockets that equal many, many beerz, free private dances at Delilaz and as much Balti as you can swill. Think about it, Dave.

  2. Plus, who would you amaze? I mean there's only so much amazing with which you can amaze yourself. You owe it to the world to spread it around for others to admire!

  3. This super secret thing of yours sounds like an Italian Anus Cleaner; will the U.S. model have a button on it before it goes spelunking into the fast food afterthought cave that is the anus of the average American, that makes it scream "squeal like a pig, SQUEAL FA' ME!!!" If it helps me push out this quarter pounder WITH cheese, then sign me up!

    BTW, my hookers dont spill secrets when I go in for a squat and gobble session; they have manners and dont speak with a mouth full.


  4. You may need someone to blame that isn't you too.

    Oh, the word verification capthca was "conali"

    A "Conali 5000"?