I'd like to take a moment to praise one of the most powerful commercials I've seen in many, many years.
Cristiano Ronaldo is one of the greatest players ever to play the game of soccers. And I should know - I've been a football ever since it got really popular in the 1990s. (Remember those crazy days when Zoe Ball announced to a shocked public that she was a Man Utd fan?)
Well, now he's matched what he can do on a football court with what he can do on screen.
Take a moment to watch and listen.
Some people (people who don't know what the fuck they're on about) have suggested that this commercial is precisely what is WRONG with advertising! Can you believe it? This, they say, is nothing more than a lazy wave of the client's cheque book, using an utterly irrelevant famous mush to plug the gap where an idea should be. It's a very expensive mountain of fusty clacker-pickings that should have been mercilessly crow-barred to death before it could limp off a layout pad and into existence.
Furthermore, they add, Ronaldo himself has all the presence of a brick, only a brick that's spent so long on a sunbed you can virtually hear the skin cancer crackling into life.
And if that weren't enough, these people suggest that the crowning abomination of this cuntcrackle of a commercial is his bizarrely monotonous voiceover, which gives the listener the impression that at some point in his past, he signed a deal with Satan who gave him very fast, twinkly feet but took out the bits of his brain that govern speech, emotion, reasoning, reading, writing, independent thought, the generation of ideas and saying 'no' to the question, 'Cristiano? Do you want to lie on this sunbed?'
Finally, and most cruelly, they suggest that while football may take him to 'colt plaaysees', when he was actually in the 'colt playsees', he played like a cuntcock fanny-end who clearly wasn't interested in anything but showboating his way back into the changing room to sit in a hot bath for an hour and stare unswervingly at his own penis.
What these people fail to realise is that this commercial isn't just a series of expensive location shots that set new standards of piss-taking jolly-having by the agency. It's saying that if you put Castrol in your car, you will be as good at football as Ronaldo. That's the kind of powerful association we clients will pay through the nose for.
I think this is something the naysayers have clearly missed. Luckily, I'm here to point out their errors. Let's be honest - there's nobody better placed to do it.
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!