Some of you may have considered the Cleanavia Campaign to be as close to marketing perfection as it is possible to get. And but for the negligible sales it generated, the glut of complaints it garnered, the official warning for incompetence I got from HR and the lawsuits it lead to, it was perfect.
But I think...actually, I know...I've topped it this time.
The Cleanassimo Range is our new suite of consumer durables and we'll be marketing it hard for the next 2 years at least. It needs a fucking shlong-swinging monster of an idea to last that long.
This, my friends and fellow marketing professionals, is it:
WE'RE GOING TO GAIN THE PERSONAL ENDORSEMENT OF EVERY SINGLE PLAYBOY 'PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH' SINCE RECORDS BEGAN.
Take your time.
Take it in.
Fucking brilliant, isn't it?
Just imagine. My calculations suggest that there will be between 20 and 1,500 Playmates involved in this, ranging in age from 21 to 80. (That cunt-stick, Brian Smeggson, stole my calculator, so I had to work it out on paper, hence the generous margin for error. He denied it too, did Smeggson - he is such a fuckpipe.)
Can you imagine a more perfect body of women to represent our brand? They are women, like our target audience. They are dirty, like the clothes of our target audience. They clean things, like our target audience. They are exactly what our target audience would like to be (big bristolas, attractive, have men doing everything for them, don't need to work or anything, do lots of shopping and that kind of shit etc).
In other words, they ARE our target audience.
An idea like that needs a line to really make it stick in the mind of the consumer. And I have one.
If you don't clean with Cleanassimo your cleaning isn't as clean as Cleanassimo cleans.
(Product name in TWICE, copywriters - watch and learn.)
Finally, in this age of social media and...all that shit, the campaign needs more than just a TV spot to kick it off. It needs word of mouth. It needs talkability generated by mainstream media support. So my proposal is simple: I'm going to pay John Terry to bang the back teeth out of every single one of my Playmates. Then every day he'll write the 'Doing The Dirty' column in The Sun, brought to you by the Cleanassimo range. He'll give a brief and mildly erotic assessment of each trollop's performance, then move on to discuss how they'd used a Cleanassimo to wash away his intense and powerful working class expulsions.
I can, right now, guarantee you - GUARANTEE YOU - that this campaign will quadruple sales AT LEAST. How can it not? It's cunting genius.
And I should fucking know.
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!