When to make your logo bigger

I can hear you agency folk, you know. I'm not stupid. I know what you say about me, your client. I know what's said when I'm not around, or just after I've put the phone down, or when an email I've made Amanda Fookes send for me arrives. Do you think I don't know? Do you think I'm so thick-skinned and arrogant that I'm not aware of exactly what you say about me? Don't you worry - I know only too well.

You say, 'How can that guy know SO MUCH?'

It's fine. I've been around a long time, and I was a fucking genius to start with. So don't sweat it. Just regard knowing me as a free and ongoing lecture in advanced marketing.

Today, for example, I'll confront the subject most likely to cause a flashpoint between client and agency: THE SIZE OF THE LOGO.

If you look at awards annuals, you'll see exactly how important agencies think your logo is. Look for it, bottom right. Probably best to use a magnifying glass. See it yet? Go on - keep looking. It's there...no, there. Bingo! You've found it! THAT is where agencies, the people we pay to sell our product, place your logo in terms of importance.

Obviously, that's ludicrous. My logo is an extension of me. It's like my children. In fact, because I don't actually have any children (those lawsuits notwithstanding) it's more important than my children. Think of it as my face. I want my face on all my ads, big and beautiful and un-fucking-missable.

Sometimes, the agency tries that award-winning shit, and I have to stop them. So here are the times when I want my face / logo much bigger, right fucking now, you cunt-pencil. Because I firmly believe that over 95% of all marketing issues can be resolved by making the logo bigger. And you can quote me on that.

To increase response

Make the logo bigger, and your web address too. Keep making them bigger until you think the average brainless cunt-clack consumer can't miss it, even if they're looking the other way, in the dark, during a typhoon.

To increase product recall

Make the logo bigger, and the product shot too. Increase the size until the product fills the ad, leaving just enough room for the logo. Put the product name in a red flash OVER the product. Then make the logo a bit bigger.

To increase brand awareness

Make the logo bigger. Make it big enough to be seen from space. Then make it a bit bigger.

Now, those of you who follow me on Twitter might be saying at this point, 'Oooh, what a fuck-mush cunt-ponce. He's just repeating what he tweeted this morning. What a fucking clacker-pipe. Why can't he just curl up and let us kick him around the street like a disappointing football until his winkle drops off and the crows eat it in front of his big, drunken fizzog?'

Well, fuck you! Because here comes the added value!

Here are some other occasions when you should make your logo bigger:

In an ad

Is my logo in an advertisement of any sort? Then make that cunt bigger.

On a piece of print

Is my logo on a brochure, leaflet, flyer, poster or piece of POS? Yup. Make that cunt bigger.

In a TV spot

Is my logo going to appear on a TV commercial? Then turn it 3D, make the metallic bits shimmer, swirl it round, flip it over and THEN make that cunt bigger.

On a billboard

Will you be putting my logo on a large format outdoor poster? Then remember that people drive past those things pretty fast. So you need to make that cunt MUCH FUCKING BIGGER.

I hope that helps some of you more inexperienced marketing professionals judge the creative work your agencies are producing. Tomorrow (or not, or whenever, or soon, or not at all) I'll give you some more advice on how much bigger to make your logo. For instance, if it's a press ad you're putting together, should the logo be the biggest thing in the ad, or the biggest thing in the newspaper, or the biggest thing in the world?

One thing's for sure, it won't be as big as mine.

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!