Well, well, well, well, well.
It turns out that an awful lot of old women - and a lot of old men - are spending their retirement with a prosthetic genital device shoved squarely up their foof, fundament or fizzog.
This is what I've learned during my first few days at my new place of work, Europe's leading supplier of love toys, sex aids, marital gadgets and wang-enhancing technology to the over-50s.
As Marketing Director, I've got to figure out a way of getting even more over-50s ladies and gentlemen (although if you knew what I know, you wouldn't call them ladies or gentlemen) to feel that a battery-powered erotic appliance is essential to an improved quality of life.
"Dave, I want every pensioner in Britain fucking themselves dizzy!" says my CEO, Simon Schitz.
He's keen to push two products in particular. One is supposedly an 'anal stimulator' but looks more like a Transformer dry-humping a Tellytubby dressed in a PVC SS uniform. Personally, I'd rather put a starving bulldog wearing a wire wool jacket up my fire exit, but there you go. The other product is a 'sensual massage device', but I'm not convinced it'll be used for 'sensual massage', principally because it is lovingly crafted in the shape of an absolutely monstrous dong. And I don't just mean porno big, either. Some of the blokes in my special films look like their Dad could be a baseball bat, but this thing is on a whole different scale. It's not even eye-wateringly huge. It's fascinatingly huge. You can probably see it from space. Or Birmingham, at least.
Anyway, those are the two campaigns I am about to create. Obviously, I need an agency to help me create them / do what I tell them too. If anyone knows of any that are willing to learn at the knee of a veritable Stephen Hawking of marketing, let me know. Just remember, they need to be fucking cheap.
I'll bring you more on my new adventure soon - including news of my new colleagues. Spencer Spencer, the warehouseman, for instance, and Mary Hinge, my secretary. Also, the goth receptionist, Lollipop, who is apparently very big on the fetish scene. I can imagine she is, because she's fatter than a manatee bingeing on cheese pasties and Frazzles.
I look forward to educating you further. And you look forward to it too, don't you?
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!