Tuesday, 8 June 2010

My debut restaurant review: Fat Boys' Bar-B-Q

Many friends, admirers, well-wishers and confidantes have suggested, then asked, then begged that I start to review restaurants.

As a modest and self-effacing man, I didn't agree immediately. But then I realised I'd be fucking spectacularly cock-on at it, so here goes - my first ever. I've tried to avoid the usual cliches of the restaurant review game and have instead chosen to develop my own style and scoring method.

Fat Boys' Bar-B-Q, Florida.

Fat Boys' Bar-B-Q has a bar, a barbecue and lots of fat boys. So the name is spot-on. It's not like one of those places in London called Le Foofoo de Poncenpoo, or SLOPS or The Kitchen and Room With Tables where you think you might nip in for a balti and a pint of cognac, but they don't do that sort of thing, oh no, they do pig's jizz on a bed of fanny farts, or stomach and beans, or stuff in French that turns out to be a wasp's bollock.

The room itself is less like a restaurant and more like a barn just after 35 cows and a dozen animal rapists have had a very long and angry party. The waiting staff, however, more than make up for that by demonstrating a consistently high standard of bristola or, in the case of the men, giving me beerz.

The food is, as you'd expect from a barbecue joint in America, more calorific than a deep-fried SuBo. First, I tried pulled pork, which came in a big pile on a big plate. Being nearly totally meat, it was excellent. So I had another one. Then I had some brisket, which was a bit of a cow they'd been cooking since 1976 or something, and that was mainly meat, so that got the thumbs up too. Had a couple of them, I seem to remember.

Then it was time for the main course (which I like to call The Blur because this is generally the point where things go a bit fuzzy, what with the food and the booze and that), and I tried the Sulley's Dawg Burger. 'Why's it called the Sulley's Dawg Burger?' I asked.

'Becuz iss reeyul beeeyug,' replied the waiter. 'And Sulley's dawwwg is reeyul beeyug.' He could teach a lot of copywriters a thing or two, that boy.

It was a superb burger, being mostly meat, so a further thumbs up. I accompanied it with a bottle of a local beer, a local bourbon, a local beer, a local alcopop, a local beer and a local girl called Deedee. Then I tried the 42oz ribeye, the triple-triple-dog (nine frankfurters in a baguette), the Pork Motherload Ribs (basically, 50% of a pig) and the Fat Cow Sandwich (assorted fat from a cow, in a sandwich).

I also tried to eat part of the table, arm-wrestle the barman and marry seven of the waitresses. Sadly, the over-fussy owner would rather his customers didn't enjoy themselves and, with the help of three of his nine sons, threw me into a 'creek', or as we call it, 'ditch full of shit'.

For that reason, I can't tell you what the desserts were like, but all the clientele were fat cunts, so they must be nice.

All in all, I'd recommend Fat Boys' Bar-B-Q for a lads' night out, or a date with a fat, greedy girl you don't like much.

Scores (out of 10 Knockles):

Overall: 6 Knockles.
Meat: 9 Knockles.
Bristolas: 8 Knockles.
Ambience: 3 Knockles.
Tolerance of goosing waitresses: 2 Knockles.

Price: $0.00 if you get chucked out by the owner.

Pretty fucking groundbreaking stuff, I think you'll agree. If you know a restaurant you'd like me to review the shit out of, let me know.



  1. Absolutely pure fucking genius. I'm giving up restaurant blogging as of now, for there's no competing with the Knocles - sir, you truly are the wasp's bollocks.

  2. Wonderful. You are indeed THE restaurant critic. I demand more.

  3. Moar! Moar!

    Like Hugh, I'm also throwing in the towel after this.

  4. Oh bollocks, you gone and ruined it for the rest of us now, you cunt.......

    *bows down to THE RESTAURANT CRITIC*

  5. What the f-uck is a bristola?

  6. Sublime! So pleased I don't blog restaurant reviews!

  7. From now on the strapline for my pork pies will be "mainly meat". I recognise a trend when I see one.

    Brays Cottage Pork Pies

  8. "wasp's bollock" Lol. Brilliant post