Tuesday, 20 July 2010

Dr Pepper. What's the worst that can happen? Oh, shit.

My fellow marketing professionals, news today of a monumentally dropped bollock by Dr Pepper's digital agency should send a grave warning to you all.

It should send you the following stark and undeniable message: NOBODY IN DIGITAL ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AND YOU SURE AS SHIT DON'T EITHER.

When pitched the idea to 'hijack Facebook statuses' the client would, I'm pretty sure, have been thinking two things. First, 'Oh, shit - what the fuck is a Facebook status?' Second, 'Why would anyone want hijack it?'

But this client, poor fucker, may have been feeling for some time that all this digital stuff is pretty confusing and intimidating and not nearly as much fun as doing TV spots like I used to and I really wish they hadn't moved me into this stuff just because I'm the only one who knows how to switch my laptop on.

So while the pre-pubescent Creative Strategic Technologist was selling the idea, this client may also have thought, 'Fuck me. I have no idea what this is about. But if I look like I'm not on board with it, my career is going to be more fucked than Keith Richards' short-term memory'.

And, clearly, the folks who had the idea didn't really know what the fuck would happen. Did they? Really? I mean, really really REALLY?

Now, the agency's relationship with Coca-Cola (that's the world's biggest client) is 'under review'.

Quite right too. This may have been a perfectly innocent mistake but the client must act swiftly to retain control and, more to the point, make any and every desperate attempt to avoid being fired faster than a paedo clown.

I'd 'review' the relationship too. I'd review it like I review what's on the bog paper after I've wiped my clacker-shoot. You know, just before I chuck it down the shitter for ever.

Most of all, though, I'd NEVER DO ANYTHING DIGITAL EVER.

Nobody knows what the fuck it does, how it works or what it's for. Come on. Let's talk fucking turkey here. Let's just go back to TV ads and stop trying to show off. You might as well leave your danglebag swinging in the breeze amongst a swarm of angry hornets as trust your career to the toddlers in the digital playpen.

(Apart from anything, when you put bristolas in an ad - which you should always do - you want to see them on a big screen, innit? Not squinted through the grease on your iPhone.)

I hope you all take note. You should.

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!


  1. Look at "The digital bomb". You´ll see it then.

  2. You are at your best when on familiar marketing territory Dave.