In the blue corner, weighing it at £230 million in annual billings, with a pitch record of 7,345 wins, 123,486 losses and 45,399 'we'll call you soon's, hailing from Soho in London, it's THE AGENCY WHO USED TO BE GOOD BEFORE THEY GOT BOUGHT OUT BY THE MULTI-NATIONAL AND WILL PITCH FOR ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING NOWADAYS BECAUSE THERE'S THIS REALLY UNPLEASANT FUCKER FROM THE GLOBAL HQ IN THE STATES WHO COMES IN EVERY QUARTER AND FIRES THE FIRST TEN PEOPLE HE SEES!
In the red corner, weighing in at £55,566 annual billings, with a pitch record of 2 wins, 44 losses and 3 'don't fucking ever call us again's, hailing from a back bedroom in Essex, it's THE INCUMBENT - WHICH IS ACTUALLY ONE MAN AND HIS MAC WHO'S BEEN PAYING HIS MORTGAGE WITH THIS ACCOUNT FOR FIVE YEARS AND IS LITERALLY SHITTING HIMSELF AT THE PROSPECT OF LOSING IT BECAUSE HIS WIFE HAS MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT HE'LL BE OUT OF THE DOOR QUICKER THAN AN UGLY BACKING SINGER IF THE DOUGH STOPS ROLLING IN!
In the other red corner, weighing at £7 billion annual billings, with a pitch record of 3,000 wins and zero losses, hailing from somewhere outside the M25 but with a 'hub in the capital', it's THE REGIONAL AGENCY WHO CLAIM TO BE ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE, PERFECT IN EVERY WAY, WITH A BULGING AWARDS CABINET AND A RECORD OF MAKING EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEIR CLIENTS AWE-INSPIRING AMOUNTS OF CASH THROUGH THEIR GROUNDBREAKING APPROACH TO CREATIVITY - AN APPROACH WHICH THEY CLEARLY APPLY PRETTY FUCKING HEAVILY WHEN IT COMES TO THEIR OWN WEBSITE, EVEN THOUGH THE ONLY WORK ON IT SEEMS TO BE FOR A BRAND OF AIR-CONDITIONERS AND A SMALL FURTHER EDUCATION COLLEGE SPECIALISING IN HAIR CARE!
And in the other blue corner, weighing in at undetermined annual billings, with a pitch record of zero wins and zero losses, hailing from Shoreditch, London, UK, it's THE SOCIAL MEDIA START-UP THAT'S SO FUCKING NEW AND INNOVATIVE IT HASN'T DONE ANY WORK WHATSOEVER BECAUSE IT HASN'T FOUND A CLIENT THE TWO FOUNDERS CALLED TRISTAN AND BEAUREGARD WANT TO WORK WITH BECAUSE WHAT THEY OFFER ISN'T THE KIND OF THING JUST ANYONE CAN GET THEIR HEAD AROUND IT TAKES SOMEONE WITH REAL VISION AND AN APPRECIATION OF HOW THE ONLINE CONVERSATIONAL FLOW CAN BE STEERED TOWARDS LONG-TERM BRAND AFFILIATION IN WHAT THEY CAN ONLY TERM WEB 3.0 OR POSSIBLY EVEN 5.0!
Yes. My pitch list is together. The chemistry meetings will come first. Then the battle royale to secure the business of Europe's leading supplier of erotic gadgetry to the 50-plus market will commence.
It will not be for the weak. It will feature several rounds of bare-knuckle buying of beerz, lunch and gifts - and even then there will be the final undignified punch-up when the creative gets presented.
It is how it is. It is how it must be.
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!