I just took a call from none other than Big Andy Poleman, the MD at my last company. (The company, it could be argued, where I carved out a niche as a marketing legend.)
Here's how it went:
"Alright, Knockles, you fucking cunt."
"Jesus! Hello, Mr Poleman."
"Look, are you busy? I mean, after we fired you because you're shit, did you get another job?"
"Yes. I emailed you and everything."
"Did you? I never read that shit. I get one of the slags to do it for me! HA HA! (Laughs and coughs for 2 minutes.)"
"Er...what's up, Mr Poleman?"
"Call me Andy."
"Okay. What's up, Andy?"
"Actually, go back to Mr Poleman. You calling me Andy sounds fucking horrible."
"Okay. What's up, Mr Poleman?"
"Well, since you left, things have been going very well."
"Sales have quadrupled."
"The bloke who replaced you got a new agency in and they're doing all this really good stuff. You know, ads and all that shite."
"Well, that's the fucking problem. It's all the agency, innit? That cunt's doing fuck-all, but he cost a fortune."
"So I thought, 'Why don't I get Knockles back? His wages are a third what this fucker's on and the agency's doing everything anyway."
(See? SEE? I fucking told you that doing good ads was career suicide.)
"So what are you saying, Mr Poleman?"
"I'm offering you your job back, you dopey cunt. What do you think I'm fucking doing?"
"Oh. Cor. Right. Er...I'd have to come back on improved terms."
"You always were a cheeky cunt, Knockles. Right - I'll improve your job title from Marketing Director to Director of Marketing. And you can have my old BMW. Well, not the old one - the one before the one before that."
"Wow. I'll have to think about it, Mr Poleman."
"You've got until tomorrow. Don't be a cunt. Poleman out."
Phew! What about that? I know I've just put the phone down, but I really don't think I've ever had a better telephone call than that!
'Director of Marketing!' Back in consumer durables! A 2002 BMW!
I'll have to think hard about this.
Give me your thoughts, my friends. What should I do?
Anyway, I'm off to take all the wit and subtlety out of some headlines.
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!