The above is an image of an advertising gland, an organ situated close to the bullshit node, behind the pretension nodule. You can see from the yellow discharge to the left that this advertising gland has ruptured. Without adequate and regular use, the advertising gland will wither and die. Once dead, it can never be revived.
This is the worrying diagnosis I received today. Now, I received that diagnosis from myself rather than a doctor of any kind, but still - it's not something you want to hear.
Now that my agency are paying me large sums of money to keep my hands well and truly off the advertising - and any other form of communication - I'm struggling to cope with the build-up of genius that oozes from me every minute of every day.
I imagine this is how Ron Jeremy feels after a week off.
Indeed, the urge to advertise is just spilling out of me.
This morning, while ordering my bacon, sausage, bacon, egg, egg, ham, lamb chop, sausage, beans, fried bread, sausage, bacon and toffee sauce baguette, I found myself blurting out 'Breakfast isn't breakfast without a breakfast baguette' to the kid behind the counter at Ali's Kebab Exhibition.
Then, when Derek Balls came in to fix the computer that seemed to give up the ghost the day I was testing a new driver in my office (I will never understand computers), I said, 'Balls IT. When your IT falls, give Balls a calls.'
He just looked at me and said, 'I always knew you were a fucking alcoholic.'
I said, 'Alcohol. For man. For woman. For ever.'
He shook his head and turned away.
I said, 'Turning Away. The silent gesture that speaks a thousand words.'
Then he walked out of the door.
And just as I was saying, 'Doors! Get into them!' it became clear that I need, on a very fundamental level, to advertise stuff.
So I thought I'd start by just advertising the first thing that came into my head.
Here's what I came up with:
It's a campaign for Bristolas UK, a body that I intend to create. We'll devote our professional energies to the furtherment and promotification of bristolas.
Anyway, the first piece, a 6-sheet poster is aimed at people who think that bristolas are just for breastfeeding babies. They aren't! They're for all of us! It uses Comic Sans, which is amazing and the king of all typefaces.
The second demonstrates a new usage of the product, which will open up whole new markets. Here I've used Arial, which is the other great typeface.
Is there anything you'd like me to advertise? You know, just so I don't go out of my cuntbarging fucking mind?
Whatever it is, you know it'll be top notch. Just let me know. I'm officially taking requests.
Anyway, I'm off to do whatever the fuck I like without thinking about it.
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!