Planning definitively defined. Definitely.

My fellow marketing professionals, we have a winner!

In a poll that has had the entire global marketing and communications industry talking, we have managed to succinctly define exactly what planning is.

(I have been on a long quest myself to define this elusive discipline myself, which you can read about here, here, and here if you can be bothered - though I doubt you can, what with all that Facebooking and X-Factor and Twitter and Bebo and twatshaftingly important stuff you simply must keep on top of or the world and all it holds will crumble into its component molecules and drift into fucking space. God, you make me fucking sick. Just switch it all off for five cunting minutes, can't you? Fucking DO something? Read the paper, have a wank, punch a cat - anything.)

Ahem.

Focus.

And I'm back!

My initial research narrowed a definition of planning to three possibilities.

1) Something cunt-panels do.

2) Somthing fuck-wedges do.

3) Something spunk-jugglers do.

The results are in :

Option 1 got 36% of the vote.

Option 2 got 21% of the vote.

But the winner was option 3 with 41% of the vote.

So, there you have it: planning is something spunk-jugglers do.

I do worry slightly, however, that the narrow victory over 'something cunt-panels do' means we can't be as confident with that definition as perhaps we'd like. Will we always worry that, when explaining planning as 'something spunk-jugglers do' we will always have at the back of our mind the thought that, somehow, we should introduce the idea of it also being 'something cunt-panels do'?

My fear is that, yes, we will. So I propose a solution.

A coalition.

I suggest 'spunk-jugglers' as the Cameron and 'cunt-panels' as the Clegg, with the result that our final definition is thus:

Planning is something spunk-juggling cunt-panels do.

Surely that's something we can all agree on.

Anyway, I'm off to write a meaningless brief for the agency that consists of meaningless jargon I've cut-and-pasted from previous meaningless briefs.

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!