Now, some of you may be wondering why I've launched into a volley of regrettable language. (And some of you will have read my blog before! HA HA! I'm a funny cunt, me!)
If any of you have been fortunate enough to follow my Twitter...er...Twitterising? Twitticisms? (Yes - that's fucking good. Copyright me: Twitticism. Done before? Oh.)
Anyway, if you've followed my Twitticisms, you'll be aware that during Mandy Fookes's appraisal, I told her to do more of what I fucking told her to do. I also told her to pull her shitting finger out, show a bit more cunting Dunkerque spirit and stop being such a fucking dishmop.
For some reason, this upset her and she ran to HR. Some minutes later, the HR director issued a swearing ban against me and had my team - MY TEAM! - record any instances of fucking, shitting, crapping, wanking or cunting.
Honestly. The world has turned upside fucking down.
Anyway, a shrewd young man called Lotan Bubba (according to his Twitter page - I think that means he's called Henry Sweatington-Ballbag or something) suggested I plead Tourette's.
(You should follow this kid - he's here. And he's obviously very sharp indeed.)
Well, at about 4.30 this afternoon (I know - another late one for Dave Knockles) I strode purposefully into the HR Director's office and said, 'Do you want to shitstabbing know why I anusing swear so titting much, you motherfucker? I've got Tour-wanking-ette's!'
After a brief pause (I think he was distracted by the sign I'd printed up which read 'You are from Planet Cunt') he just sighed and said, 'Dave, go away. I'm a busy man. If I wanted to sack you, I'd have 186 reasons to do so before the issue of your foul mouth came up. How about you bugger off and I tell everyone you've got learning difficulties?'
'Ha! Victory!' I said. 'You don't like it up you, do you, you turdwick?'
Needless to say, he had no retort, apart from giving me an official warning, shouting at me a lot, throwing a cup at me and making it clear that if I went too far again he'd have me beaten up.
SO FUCK YOU! FUCK THEM! FUCK IT ALL! I'M GOING TO DOG BAR AND GOD BAR AND RADISH BAR AND THE DOG & HOG AND THE MONKEY AND BAG!
Why? BECAUSE I AM THE WANKSTINKING CLIENT!