'Hello, it's Mr BMW Client here. Is that my agency of the last 20-odd years?'
'Yes it is! How are you? It's been a while! We were beginning to think you'd ditched us!'
'Er...well, we've been having a really good think.'
'And we've decided to ditch you.'
'WHAT? But we've been your agency for decades! We developed one of the most enduring positionings in advertising history: The ultimate driving machine. It's been widely regarded as utterly brilliant and a major reason for BMW becoming one of the world's leading brands.'
'Yes, yes, we know. But, you know, all that incredibly rational stuff - all those technical innovations and reasons to buy a BMW and brilliantly judged executions and everything. It's just that we're...you know...bored of it. A bit.'
'You're a bit bored of it?'
'Yeaah, we're...you know...a bit bored of it. Janine was saying the other day...'
'Janine? The junior marketing exec you hired because she has big jugs?
'Yeah, Janine - she was saying the other day that she'd been here for 18 months and all she'd heard was 'The ultimate driving machine this, the ultimate driving machine that'. It's boooring!'
'But it's really good! It sells cars! It's your brand!'
'Yeah, I know, I know - don't get me wrong! We love all that stuff. We love all that brand stuff. But...you know...we're a bit booored of it. So we've let one of our American agencies have a pop at the whole thing.'
'WHHHHAAAAAAT? The fucking WHOLE thing?'
'Hey, hey - calm down! There'll still be some local press ads and dealer stuff that needs doing. You know, flyers and that.'
'Fucking flyers? Jesus wept...'
'Well, anyway, these American chaps really have nailed it.'
'Yeah - get this: JOY.'
'Joy? She's the other one you hired because she has big jugs.'
'No, this is Joy. The idea. Joy the...you know...thing. The feeling of joy.'
'JOY? A BMW?'
'Yeah! Joy! Happy happy stuff. It's brilliant! There's this line: We don't build cars. We build JOY.'
'Oh, God no.'
'Oh, God YES! We're all really excited about it! Janine said her girlfriends all think it's wicked!'
'Isn't she 20? Is she likely to buy a BMW?'
'Not on the salary I pay her! Are you nuts? But it's really different, isn't it? It's a real change for us. Be honest - things were getting stale, weren't they?'
'So, you've gone from 'The ultimate driving machine' to 'JOY'. You're fucking mad.'
'I KNOW! That's what Janine is always saying! BYE!'
The above conversation may never have happened, my fellow marketing professionals. But that's no reason to believe it didn't happen. And if it did, which it might have, it proves one thing: as a marketeer you sometimes have to move in a different direction - one which, to everybody else in the entire cunting world, looks stupid on a scale previously unknown. Stupid like Ashton Kutcher. Stupid like aromatherapy. Stupid like ameoba. Fucking stupid.
That is why the marketing professional is a prophet, a guru, a visionary. Because only we know when something brilliant, effective and timeless has become boring.
It's a great responsibility. But don't let that put you off. I don't!
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!