After much deliberation, brandy and a small bout of fisticuffs with a travel agent (she was fucking asking for it), I've booked a holiday to Florida.
My decision was made when I looked at it on a map and saw that it looked like a cock and ball set, proudly swishing itself in the Atlantic.
It reminded me of the time when, at a conference in Cornwall, I walked onto the beach at 4am and proudly swished my own cock and ball set in that very same ocean. Coincidence? Surely not. Florida was calling me.
I fly on Saturday from...an airport, and will be gone for two weeks. While I'm gone, I'd like to leave you with these vital lessons in life, management and...life.
Never put a tomato in a burger
It is a ruinous and stupid act, one perpetrated by Burger King every day, millions of times. It can't be right, can it? No. It can't. Can it? No. You're right. It can't.
Always look people in the eye when you shout at them
Sure, 80% of management is about shouting at people until they do what you want them to do. But that shouting is 80% likely to be 40% less effective if you don't make it personal. Make direct and lasting eye contact during bollockings and you'll be 95% more likely to see an increase of between 50 and 75% in the productivity of around 65% of people.
Don't fart in lifts
Unless you're pretty sure someone is about to get in. Waste otherwise, innit?
Food at work is always free
Don't make the mistake I saw one young hopeful make a few weeks ago. At an edit, the inevitable bento box lunch was offered and this kid - this poor, young kid - he declined. He fucking declined! He thought he'd have to shell out himself, so he declined. I guess I should have told him it was all free but, you know, I didn't. Maybe he needed to learn the hard way. And maybe I was looking at the receptionist while she bent over to pick up a box of printer paper. Either way, always - ALWAYS - fill your boots with free work food. And your pockets, and any other receptacle you can get your hands on.
I hope those hints help you while I'm away. I'll see you in a fortnight, you load of clack-knacking fuck-lumps.
Why? Because I AM ON CUNTING HOLIDAY!