Sometimes, like after you walked into the wrong room at a Soho basement members' club and found yourself in the middle of Fistfest Friday, you just want to go somewhere familiar and comforting and safe.
And for me, at this moment, that place is here. Home.
Sure, my other blog, I AM DAVE KNOCKLES, is a mind-felching insightotron that can destroy your balls at a thousand paces, but I have missed being here.
So let me jump right back into my favourite trousers and bring you up to speed with the changes I've been making to my working protocols.
Putting it simply, I've fired my agency.
After a very long and considered fifteen-minute process of assessment using an agreed analysis matrix (my opinion vs theirs) it was mutually agreed by me that they should fuck off and never darken my filofax ever again.
Why? Because they repeatedly flaunted the Rules of Good Agency Practice that I gave them when I was forced by my MD to have them as my agency.
'What's that, Dave?' you say. 'You have a rulebook on how agencies should behave in order to retain clients?'
Of course I do! Do you really think I just make this shit up on the spur of the moment, day by day, teetering along on a fine line between professional humiliation and abject failure, never sure deep down that what I'm doing is actually right, plagued by cold, bitter voices telling me to just quit now before I make myself look any more stupid, lonely and confused in a way that takes me directly back to the playground of a new school where the big boys told me I was going to get beaten up by the school ogre at home time and I hid in the toilets for two hours, locked in a cubicle, rocking back and forward saying 'Why me? Why me? Why me?' over and over again?
I have rules. And I'll tell you about them next time.
For now, let me just say that the agency took it as well as could be expected when I did the right thing and asked my PA to text them with the news.
The Chief Exec called me a few minutes later (thanks a million for not screening that call, PA) and said something about a 'talentless clown' and 'the kind of spineless shit that's killing this industry' to which I naturally replied, 'I think you've got the wrong number. This is Dave Knockles.'
He just carried on for a bit in the same way, then screamed 'I will ruin you! I will destroy your reputation! I will see to it that your name is mud in this town!'
HA! Good luck with that, cuntshoot! I asked a couple of agency contacts whether they thought my reputation could be destroyed and they just laughed and laughed and laughed. So fuck you, Mr Agency Chief Exec With No Fucking Idea! I cannot be defeated!
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!