Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Advertising kills advertising in the balls

One of the things I enjoy most about advertising agencies is their ruthlessly enforced recruitment policy of employing account executives with spiffing bristolas.

Hang on. That's a different post.

One of the things I enjoy most about advertising agencies is the way an account director will brandish his credit card the minute I shout 'BEERZ!'

Hang on. That's a different post too.

Focus, Dave.

One of the things I enjoy most about advertising agencies is the way they constantly attempt to kill the very thing their clients want from them: advertising.

Yes! THAT'S what this post is about! I'm back on course.

I've been presented at by several agencies who want to kill advertising, usually with some cross-eyed planner committing the murder. 'It's dead,' they say. 'It's changed. If you just do advertising, you may as well take your brand and throw it into a well full of shit and snakes and napalm.'

Then they begin the inevitable conversation about conversations and I reach for my Big Box of Self Harm.

One agency told me 'TV's dead!' He looked surprised when I said, 'I ran a TV campaign with your agency last month, you dopey cuntpot.' After 15 seconds of looking blanker than Bruce Forsyth watching Skins, he said, 'Did you include a hashtag?'

Over the years, and with acceleration worthy of a pissed French chauffeur, the ad business has been trying to rebrand. (They should do what they do to me when I rebrand - charge me six figures for a new typeface and a full-stop rotated by 45 degrees. That's always the fucking answer to my problems, apparently.)

I think you agency boyz are making a mistake. We all think the ad industry is full to the ceiling with cunts, twonks, shitpipes, motherfuckers and fassy-cleaners - not to mention assorted dogknobs and jizzgarglers. That's a given. But what would we think of the same people if they said they worked in 'change manifestation' or 'futurescoping' or...FUCKING CHRIST - THE NAMES YOU CUNTS COME UP WITH IN THE REAL WORLD ARE SO STUPID I CAN'T EVEN PARODY THEM.

We can just about bear to deal with you as it is. Don't become even more fucking loathsome. Your industry will collapse and you'll come knocking on my door asking for a fucking job.

(You can't fucking have one. We don't want your type in our business, thank you very much.)

So just accept that you're salesmen with funny trousers, not 'difference architects' or 'brand envisionistas' and we'll all get on fine.

Now fuck off. I've got some work to delegate to my advertising agency.

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!


  1. I really, really hope you used the word 'cuntpot'

  2. Cuntpot? Of course I used the word cuntpot. Chiefly, because he was a cuntpot.

  3. Interesting blog. I wish Indian Advertising Agencies will also learn from you people.