Tuesday, 20 December 2011

It's Tuesday. It must be time to revolutionise advertising AGAIN




Fuck off. 

Fuck off on a horse.

Go fuck yourself in the neck, you blob of cock-sploot. 

You're a cowcunt and a moron.

You're worse than piss; you're a piss-Hitler.



That's what I say to convention, every single day, the second I wake up. And I say it loud. My neighbours are used to it now.

Today was no different. So it can come as no surprise that I've thrown the ad industry another curve ball so curvacious, it's got massive bristolas and a bee-hind that makes J-Lo look flat-packed.

Allow me to say one word:

Fatvertising.

I know - your mind is probably thrashing about like Michael J Fox on a rollercoaster, but let it settle while I explain my - MY - idea.

Obesity is soaring. Right? You don't need medical statistics to know that the Western World is piling on the timber. You have seen them, the humapotomases, dragging their pillar-thick limbs across the concrete of the town centre, defying belief and gravity and taste.

But they are people. These are not animals, nor plants, notr inanimate land masses. They are human beings, with feelings, and the right to a dignified life with financial independence. So I'm going to give it to them.

BY TURNING THEIR OTHERWISE USELESS BODIES INTO MOBILE ADVERTISING SPACE.

Yes - human billboards. Fuck knows, some of them are the size of actual billboards. Holy shit. Why not paper 48 sheets of advertising magic across their incomprehensible arse-ends?

After all, they deserve to derive income from the hard work they've put in. Becoming the size of a mythical bovine monster takes fucking dedication. Why shouldn't they make some dough, rather than just eating it?

Now then - fucking listen to me. This is MY idea. So before you go sticking your latest bullshit ad on a fat man's tits, bear in mind I WILL FUCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE if you do. Technically, thanks to intellectual copyright laws, the bodies of all obese people in the world are now mine to sell.

So keep your fucking hands off. These people have rights. And I have a right to 20%.

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!




2 comments:

  1. Revolutionary

    A true man of the (fat) people

    Well done Dave

    ReplyDelete
  2. Many thanks, Tom. And a happy new year to you. I hope 2012 is good to you, by giving you lots of no-strings sex with that girl/bloke you like.

    ReplyDelete