Thursday, 8 December 2011

THE MOTHERFUCKER LIST




















On my remarkable blog, I AM DAVE KNOCKLES, I produced a few of these important documents.

The Motherfucker List is a definitive guide to the people who have earned the epithet 'Motherfucker', as judged by an international panel of cultural experts (me), business gurus (me) and style icons (me).

(What do you mean, 'That's not an international panel'? I've been to America AND France, you CUNT. Go stick a cricket bat handle up your cack-flue.)

After some deliberation, the latest Motherfucker List is now ready - and here it fucking well is.

1. The writer of the 1963 Weights and Measures Act

It would have to been written in the 60s, wouldn't it? It was the decade of the pill, obligatory daily banging for the under 25s and drug-induced naked dancing in public. Of course some officious clackhole had to standardise all the weights and measures in the UK - INCLUDING BOOZE.

A 'single measure' is supposed to be between 25 and 35cl. This is not a measure. This is the same amount of snot I emit when I do one of my highly-amusing lady sneezes.

In Spain, where I occasionally spend some R&R time after one of my DK Power Weeks at work, a measure is dependent entirely on when the bartender remembers to stop pouring. If he gets distracted by a chica with particularly bueno bristolas, you could get a good gallon of G in your G&T.

THAT'S a fucking measure. Whoever thought 25cl is an amount worth paying for is a MOTHERFUCKER.

2. Portion Controllers


Do you work in a restaurant? Do you decide how much goes onto my plate? You do?

THEN MAKE MORE GO ONTO MY PLATE, YOU TIGHT MOTHERFUCKER.

3. Asda

If I need to return a cucumber because it's been soiled by a ladyfriend of mine, fucking well give me a refund. It wasn't ME who shoved it up her foof and turned the end to mush. But it WAS me who had to pay 69p for the fucking thing. I mean, the cucumber vs foof thing was my idea initially (and a fucking good one it was too) but I didn't force her into anything. Well, not until well after the cucumber had been put back in the fridge. WHERE'S THE JUSTICE, MOTHERFUCKER?

4. George Osbourne

Balancing the nation's books I understand. Cutting unnecessary benefit spending I understand too. But don't target we disabled folk. I absolutely depend on the benefit I've been receiving since my whiplash incident. Without that weekly allowance, I CAN'T TURN MY HEAD FROM SIDE TO SIDE.

Here's a thought, George - why not up the tax on the dickbags who got us into this trouble in the first place? That's right: the WORKING CLASS AND THEIR FUCKING DEFAULTED MORTGAGES!

I guess that's just too easy, isn't it? YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

5. Simon Cowell.

He's permanently on the list. The MOTHERFUCKER.



A new Motherfucker List will be out soon. It will be just as cock-on as this one.

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!




2 comments:

  1. I laughed. I cried. I shat.

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  2. Ben, those are all perfectly understandable reactions to having your mind blown. I see it all the time.

    ReplyDelete