Good day, my fellow marketing professionals.
Let me ask you a question.
Have you prepared your Royal Wedding-themed marketing activity? Because the big day is tomorrow and it's getting a little bit tight.
(Well, not for me - I only came up with my stuff last night and the agency are on it now. They laughed at first when I told them, because they thought I was joking or something, but they stopped the chuckling when I had them all in the office at 9pm yesterday. Shame I couldn't be there, but I was watching something on TV. The pub TV.)
Anyway, it's absolutely imperative that you've arranged something for the Royal Wedding. Everyone else has. And if everyone else has, it must be right, right?
I mean, everyone's got a TV, haven't they? And a phone. And a car. So if everyone has a Royal Wedding ad, do you want to be the weird cunt in the ill-fitting trousers with no TV, no phone and no car? The bloke who goes everywhere with a holdall and some sandwiches? The bloke whose house smells of dust and cat litter? The bloke they eventually arrest because he has the eviscerated corpses of 15 foreign exchange students gaffer taped to the rafters in his loft?
Do you? No. You don't. So get a fucking Royal Wedding ad QUICK.
This, of course, is one of the golden rules of marketing: do what your competitors are doing.
Agencies like to tell you to zig when everyone zags, or be a monkey in the kingdom of apes, or take the road less travelled, or fly a kite on rainy days or whatever their pissed chairman spunked out of his Mont Blanc in the early 80s, but this is all pure horse shit, cow jizz and dog piss.
Everybody knows that what your competitors are doing is better than what you do. This is the paranoia-petrol that fuels every marketing department in the world. We gather round our competitors' ads and, though they may feature a blind albino hippo fucking a toddler to death, we think to ourselves, 'Wow, man. They've got a hippo fucking a toddler to death. Maybe we should get a hippo fucking a toddler to death.'
Why do we do it? Because as sure as Simon Cowell has an Oedipus complex, our MD's wife will have shown the competitor ad to him over the weekend and he'll in a foul mood come Monday, when he will inevitably say, 'What do I pay you lot for? They've got a hippo fucking a toddler to death!'
So, what's the Dave Knockles course of action? I call my agency and say, 'What do I pay you lot for? They've got a hippo fucking a toddler to death!' Then I throw something at a wall and storm off to the pub.
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!