This is David's mother.
It is with some regret that I must tell you that David has passed away.
His body was found in his bed, alongside a note which read , simply, 'You owe me £220 you cunt.'
Police have surmised that this was a final demand from a creditor, possibly a prostitute. Or a plumber. They're not sure.
David leaves a mother (me), a house and a job.
He will be missed by all who knew him, sort of.
Although, if we're honest, he was a bit of a disappointment, wasn't he?
His funeral was held last week at a graveyard somewhere. I couldn't make it myself, because I had an internet date. I understand that it was a very moving ceremony.
David left me only his blog and twitter login details, which are fucking useless to me, but which means I suppose I should let you know that he's finally karked it after causing me nothing but trouble.
Anyway, what's done is done and we can't change the past, including having children you shouldn't have had.
The cause of death, apparently, was 'massive coronary explosion exacerbated by anal trauma and sexual upheaval'.
Please join me in...whatever.
Tata, David. I will remember the son you could have been. You useless dick.