Monday, 20 February 2012

THE MOTHERFUCKER LIST


My friends, it is time once again to calmly, scientifically and without prejudice detail those who have recently earned the epithet 'motherfucker'.

These are people, entities, institutions or objects which, unlike you and I, are total and irredeemable motherfuckers, as judged by an internationally-agreed set of criteria too complex for a fucking pudding like you to understand, so don't even ask.

Just one entry on the list this time.

1. BRITISH PEOPLE USING AMERICAN PHRASES WITHOUT EVEN THE SLIGHTEST SCINTILLA OF SHAME OR SELF-AWARENESS.

Oh, Albion. What happened? How has our gift to the world - the English cunting language - been torn from us, twisted, shat on, bent all out of shape by a nation of obese fundamentalist shit hounds and returned to us to consume, like a delicious dinner, vommed back up, reheated, poured onto a plate and chucked back in front of us?

How?

I dunno. Fucking films or whatever innit.

But one thing's for certain: a breed of dickbag has spawned and multiplied across Blighty for whom recognisably American-and-definitely-not-British phrases are just linguistic ketchup to jizz all over the cheeseburger 'n' apple pie that 21st Century English has become.

And they're all motherfuckers. Let's examine a few sub-groups.

CAN I  GET A?

Not 'can I have'. Nor 'could I have'. Not even 'give me'. No - there are motherfuckers here, in Britain, who stride up to the counter of their local coffee-slopper and boom 'CAN I GET A LATTE?'

Yes, you can. You can get a latte. You can also get fucked, get lost and get AIDS. You MOTHERFUCKER.

THAT'S GOTTA HURT.

There are two types of motherfucker who use this phrase. The first is just a mentally subnormal human sponge who thoughtlessly burps back whatever cultural fuckpie he or she has thoughtlessly consumed. They see a pensioner slip and shatter a hip bone. 'That's gotta hurt!' they mumble, their jowls shaking free a few long blobs of mouldering clag.

Then there are the real motherfuckers. These are the motherfuckers who view Jim Carrey's early career less as films and more as a very real guide for day-to-day living.

'THAT'S GOTTA HURT!' they roar shamelessly, at any excuse, all the time.

But let them. They will roar it one last time as we take them in a plane to the mid-Atlantic, their spiritual homeland, and drop them out, one by one, clutching an American cultural reference they don't fully understand, like a pinata, some grits, a sloppy joe or a grade point average.

Motherfuckers.

GOTTEN GOTTEN GOTTEN.

'No way, Dave,' you're saying. 'British people - from BRITAIN - don't say 'gotten'. They just don't.'

Oh, they fucking do. The motherfuckers. They say 'I've gotten really infected' and 'It's gotten much worse' and 'It's gotten better since I put the cream on it'.

Gotten? Gotten? You motherfucker. You golden motherfucker. You shining, golden, dazzling motherfucker of all time.

I'M ALL ABOUT THE THING THAT WOULD SOUND UTTERLY UNIMPRESSIVE IF I DIDN'T PREFIX IT WITH THE PHRASE 'I'M ALL ABOUT THE'.

The final motherfucker today is the kind of mentally diarrhetic squirt of human backflow who attempts to add a sheen of significance to the otherwise tedious, pointless, stupid or commonplace spuff that fills his or her life.

'I'm all about the salt 'n' vinegar.'

'I'm all about the gym.'

'I'm all about the chai latte.'

'I'm all about the Gaga.'

I even heard someone, a British person, say, for real, in the real world, in Britain, 'I'm all about the having fun.'

THE having fun? Not just 'having fun'? THE having fun. So 'having fun' is a fucking noun now? It's a thing? Where is it, the having fun? I tell you where it fucking isn't. It isn't anywhere near the sentence that just prolapsed out of your fucking mouth, you massive MOTHERFUCKER.





Aaah, that's better. There'll be another Motherfucker List along soon.

Why? Because THE WORLD IS FULL OF MOTHERFUCKERS.





By the way, 'motherfucker' is not an American phrase. Shakespeare coined it. He said to a renowned actor of the day who was struggling with the soliloquy in Hamlet, 'Why do you keep saying 'To me or not to me', you stupid motherfucker?' That's proof, dickbag. Now jog on.





1 comment:

  1. As a Northener, I use "gotten" and have done since I was a bairn.

    ReplyDelete