Friday, 23 March 2012
DK dishes the truth on digital advertising
My friends, there has been a lot of talk lately about this thing called 'the internet'.
Now, I'm a fucking marketing goliath with a cock the size of a baboon's arm, so not much gets past me. And I've noticed that advertising on the internet has taken off quite a bit.
I mean, obviously it'll never replace press advertising or anything! That would be fucking disastrous! But it's really becoming quite prominent all across the globally digitised interconnected world we all live in today, the future, now, tomorrow.
So, for those less plugged into the very fudgepipe of the zeitgeist, here's the DK breakdown of what digital advertising is all about.
On many websites, space on every page has been devoted to advertising. You might have noticed it, if you've got eyes in your head. This takes the form of spaces that are just too small to contain anything of value, impact or interest. Often, each space on the page is taken by a different advertiser, and will flash, burp, spin and thrash independently of all the rest, so that the page ends up looking like someone with epilepsy was given a pen and asked, 'Could you draw your very, very worst nightmare?'
The overall point of web advertising is to stop you looking at the web page you originally visited, because you'd only learn something or gain whatever it is you wanted to gain before you went there. The click-through rates currently run at around 0.000000000000000000000001%.
It's a great investment.
If you use Facebook (and if you do, you're a 12-year old girl, which means if you aren't a 12-year old girl, you're basically a paedophile) you will have noticed areas of it devoted to little advertisements for things that you may have mentioned in status updates or exchanges with friends. It's a very, very clever algorithm that almost reads your mind.
For instance, if you update your status with 'Just went to McDonald's', and ad for McDonald's will pop up. And if you write, 'Can't believe my wife has been fucking my brother', an ad for McDonald's will pop up. And if you write 'I would dearly love someone to contact me about the latest deals on rubberware, gimp masks and cock-plugs', an ad for McDonald's will pop up.
It's fucking spooky.
You know you can watch a load of telly on the internet now, don't you? Oh, fucking yes. BBC, ITV, Channel 4 - they all have loads of programmes you can watch WHEN YOU WANT! Even better, it's totally free! Apart from your broadband costs, and the license fee, and needing a computer, and all that shit.
Anyway, on commercial channels, they put ads into the on-demand videos! It's brilliant! It's JUST LIKE WATCHING ON THE TELLY! It's especially clever because you can't change channel, like you do on the telly, unless your own ad is on, obviously, because that's the only reason anyone in advertising watches ITV. So you have to sit there and take it, even though the ads are mostly as enjoyable as taking your penis, grinding it with a ball of wire wool, then smashing it into a jam-like paste with a hammer, then frying it in hot oil before smearing it directly onto your own eyeballs - all while listening to Simon Cowell read Shakespeare translated into Klingon as he gargles the contents of Louis Walsh's colostomy bag.
This is when people made of the devil's penile discharge, thousand-year old corpses, lizard sick and Hitler's piss put ads on your phone without asking you.
It's the future.
I hope that helps you all put what can be a confusing media marketplace into focus. There's no need to thank me. Actually, there fucking is.
Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!