The Motherfucker List

My fellow professionals, it is time again to make public the record of those deemed an unremitting motherfucker. All judging was carried out by a panel of people called Dave Knockles.

(The panel, interestingly, currently has six members - three of whom are me, because I'm so dickmendous that I'm like three people in one - and three people who share my name. Frankly, though, that's all they share with me. Even more frankly, they're fucking stupid. The number of times I've called one of them 'Dave' and they all go, 'Yes?' Honestly. I'm beginning to wonder if involving them was a good idea at all. During the judging session for this list, Dave Knockles said, 'I think we should change the name of the list to 'The Golden Child List' and make it all about the brave little ones who suffer so much these days.' I just threw a teapot at him and called him a cuntfart and a fistfuck and a horsewank and a motherfucker, which seemed to shut him up, but, really, what was he thinking? I wouldn't have minded, but Dave Knockles fucking agreed with him! As per usual, though, Dave Knockles just sat on the fence, the useless twonk.)

Anyway, here's the list. These people have been officially deemed a  motherfucker and may be addressed as such without fear of legal reprisal. Much.

1. Coffee.

Ah, go fuck yourself, coffee. You motherfucker. Coffee used to be something you drank a pint of to restart your heart after a bottle too many of Slovakian tequila. It used to be hot black sludge and men drank it to get through another morning of butchering cows and demolishing hospitals and digging holes in the road with their cocks.

Now what is it? It's a big shit-hat. It's a stupid dandy parade of cinos and frappas and con pannas and, for the sake of fuck, the word skinny. 

Look at how Starbucks describes a 'Flat White':

"Expertly steamed whole milk poured over two shots of espresso, topped with microfoam swirled into beautiful latte art."

'Expertly steamed' milk? Oh, you gigantic motherfuckers. Expertly? Really? By a milk-steaming expert? Are you fucking serious? They don't look like milk-steaming experts. They look like they always do: the last pick in team sports. As for 'beautiful latte art', I don't think I need to add anything.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS MICROFOAM?

Coffee has turned into a proper motherfucker.


2. Ironic viewers of TOWIE.


What's that? Did I watch TOWIE last night? Was it brilliant? Was it? Did someone say something really fucking stupid? Oh, how priceless. Did some human slurry pretend to be in situations that are nearly dramatic? Did some lumps of collagen and silicone and make-up say OMG again and again and again as though 100,000 years of human evolution had never happened?

And they got a BAFTA, did they? Oh, that is ironic, isn't it? Very ironic. But only in this way: it's ironic that the people who hammered the final nail into TV's coffin - get this - are people who dish out TV awards!

I don't watch fucking TOWIE because it's bullshit and worse than contracting quadruple AIDS. I spend my evenings reading management bibles, writing management bibles, doing one-arm push-ups and punching cats. I do none of these things ironically. I do them with an erection, you motherfuckers.

3. Dogs that aren't my dog.


My dog, Randy, is a gentleman, a character, a rogue, a rascal, a boozer, a serial shagger and a better man than most men.

All other dogs are motherfuckers. Stop sniffing Randy's arse when all he's trying to fucking do is get from A to cunting B. He doesn't like it.

4. Shopkeepers.


I have mentioned in previous Motherfucker Lists that the person who invented the self-checkout is a motherfucker on a scale previously unknown.

In a bid to escape the ignominy of becoming a checkout girl, I've taken to eschewing supermarkets in favour of local shops.

Well, it turns out shopkeepers are motherfuckers too.

'Don't squeeze the fruit.' 'Don't smell the sausages.' 'Don't finger the rabbits.' 'Don't badger the fish.' 'Don't drink the gin.' 'Don't try to leave wearing the suits.' 'Don't watch the televisions for three hours in your pants.' 'Don't shit in the toilets - they're for display purposes only.' 'Don't use the pornography.'

JESUS. WHAT CAN I FUCKING DO, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?


That concludes today's list. But there will be more.

Why? Because I AM SURROUNDED BY MOTHERFUCKERS!