Friday, 2 November 2012

Agency case studies translated



My friends, it is time to reveal agency secrets. Hidden mysteries that, up to now, have been shrouded in mist and history and the sands of Dave Trott’s egg timer.

Agency case studies, for instance.

These are examples of an agency’s previous work, neatly packaged to tell the story of how they achieved success against a particular brief.

That's not how agencies think of them, however.

Agencies think of them as truth handed down from God that proves beyond the merest whiff of doubt that they are the most effective, most creative, most groundbreaking, most incredible agency in the history of human existence. No matter how improbable the results they yank from fuck-knows-where, no matter how embarrassingly irrelevant the gnat-turd of a budget was, no matter how inconsequential the work was to a campaign's final outcome, a great fug of self-delusion and blind optimism descends as the agency of version of What Really Happened is chiseled onto stone tablets ready to hand down to clients.


Here’s how they usually go:
In late 2011, Craggy Dog Chods & Pesticides came to us with a problem.

‘We’re number two in the market,’ they said. ‘We want to be number one.’

‘Cool,’ we said.

Then we went to work. Starting with our unique Mindologism Planning Tool architecting ‘unknowable truths’, we began our proprietary Garden Of Impact 4-Step Ideation Process: 1) Mulch 2) Nurture 3) Blossom 4) Harvest.

We devised a creative positioning that didn’t just result in an increase of 1,977% unprompted awareness amongst our target audience.

It increased sales by 15,354% and had a direct impact on the election of Barack Obama, the ending of the banking crisis and the death of Osama Bin Laden - and it made the population of the world 65% happier.
For Craggy Dog Chods & Pesticides, it was a history-making piece of thinking.
For Grayson Fanjita Hogg-Balls 360 Environ / Unmitigated, it was just another day.


Here’s the truth. The agency did some work. This work  had the same negligible / unmeasurable effect as every other piece of work the agency has pompously excreted since the day it was formed by four expensively-shod over-privileged cuntslaps – work which has tripled in price since it was bought out by a daddy-funded 'communications stable' looking to buy in some credibility by throwing a bucket of loot at the flavour of the month. Burp. That's it.

Don't be fooled by it. I'm fucking not.

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!

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